Sometimes we have an experience that we don’t understand, but if we look deeply, or wait long enough, a reason for that experience will usually reveal itself.”

~Madison Taylor, “Experiences We Don’t Understand”, DailyOM

We can all think of experiences in life that don’t make sense. Maybe it’s been 30 years and you are still scratching your head about something! Trying to make sense of everything can literally drive you crazy. But for many of us, not knowing “why” is equally uncomfortable.

I’ve lived long enough now to see how I had to go through certain things to become the person I am today. . . blah, blah, blah. But I fight that notion as an easy answer to a multitude of hard questions, like “how did I get here?” or “why did I allow that to happen?” I’ve read all the books about “being here now”, flowing with whatever happens. Why is that so difficult to do?

I recently began writing about probably the worst time in my life. I’ve been telling myself that I want to share the experience to possibly help someone else who finds themselves in the same boat. But is that all it’s about? As I write more and more, I realize that I can’t just dissect out of my life that one period of time. Everything I experienced up until then had an impact on the choices I made.

Does the reader need to know how I got there to understand my frame of mind? I think so. And the idea that someone can pick up my book, read it, and become enlightened is pretty far fetched, I guess, yet I wish somehow someone would have found a way to warn me. But would I have listened? Probably not. I believe we are open to ideas when we are ready for them, and not until we are ready.

The big question for me remains. Who am I? Who am I in the context of the situation then? Who am I in the context of my life now? 

Deborah Khoshaba, Psy.D., writes in an article in Psychology Today that how we “story” experiences in our life makes all the difference. When we describe our lives to ourselves and others, we create a story that we carry with us from that time. We can change that story, or at least change what role we want to play in it. If we are hanging on to negative feelings like guilt, shame, and anger, we tell our story from that point of view. Dr. Khoshaba says:

The problem is that not all personal stories are the same in terms of promoting our welfare, in helping us to meaningfully move from points A to B in our lives, and to do so in a way that allows us to endure, learn and grow. We may prefer understandings that limit our development from one stage of life to another. Our stories may emphasize blame and victimization that pin us to the past. 

There are two ways to bring about change, according to Dr. Khoshaba – “we can change our behavior or we can change our dialogue”. She states in the article that the second method is about changing the story. Read the full article at: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/get-hardy/201403/how-we-story-our-life-experience-matters

What we tell ourselves about our experiences – right or wrong, good or bad – influences our ability to use those experiences to best serve us. While it is difficult and not easy to do so, we need to explore deeply. We can only do that by abandoning the story we have been telling ourselves up until now and begin a new dialogue about the experience. 

A place to begin is to be honest about our feelings and discover what is most important to us now. We need to ask ourselves who we are going to be in the story, what do we really believe, and what do we value. After reading this article and others like it, I think I am in just the beginning stages of writing my book. It’s the discovery phase. The facts of what happened are less important than the story I tell myself about what happened and the role I’ve assigned myself in the story. Share with me, if you like, any insights you may have about these ideas and thoughts. 

 

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