Who do you trust?

In Erik Erikson’s eight stages of human development, the first foundational one is about “basic trust.” He focused on trust and mistrust of the outer world (especially the people in it), and to be sure this is important. Yet often what looks like “the world is untrustworthy” is at bottom “I don’t trust myself to deal with it.”

~ Rick Hanson, PhD; Senior Fellow at The Greater Good Science, U.C. Berkley

If you were ever ridiculed or made fun of (who hasn’t been?), you probably became less willing to express yourself as freely. In the extreme, we become withdrawn, afraid to say anything. We fail to form close relationships, because we are afraid of rejection. We find it difficult to express our opinion and to tell others what we believe. At some point we may realize that if we can’t trust ourselves, who can we trust? These are the fears that keep us stuck in old patterns that comfort us primarily because they are familiar.

With mindfulness work, we need to trust ourselves, at least in a basic sense. We are asked to honor our instincts and trust our intuition. If something doesn’t feel right to us, we must over-ride any pressure to be okay with what is happening. If something feels right to us, we must follow our instincts rather than listen to the naysayers and the critics.

Through mindfulness work, you learn more and more about yourself. With that knowledge, you can trust yourself to know where to venture next. You will gain a soul-level understanding of your weaknesses and strengths, your balances and imbalances, what you fear, and when you are fearless.

It’s your whole self that you need to trust. And this is a long-term, not a short-term, proposition. You are not perfect. No one is perfect. You will do or say things for which you feel shame, embarrassment, guilt, etc. See those occasions as opportunities to learn and endeavor to have a sense of humor about them.

Clearly, you don’t want to do or say everything that comes to mind. Acknowledge that and give yourself permission to decide what to share and what to keep to yourself. You will know!

Bob Dylan wrote a song titled, “Trust Yourself”, which you can listen to on Youtube – https://youtu.be/bu_JU42ft1A. Here are the lyrics for the first verse:

Trust yourself.
Trust yourself to do the things that only you know best.
Trust yourself.
Trust yourself to do what’s right and not be second-guessed.
Don’t trust me to show you beauty,
When beauty may only turn to rust.
If you need somebody you can trust, trust yourself.

Want to know how much you trust yourself?  In case you do, I found this “test” that may help you measure that:  Quiz: How Much Do You Trust Yourself?

I’d love to hear your feedback on this subject!  Please comment below . . .

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You have so many opinions. And you suffer so much from them. Why not let them go?”

Ajahn Chah

We have been talking about mindfulness — what it means, why it is important, and how to achieve it. One of the ways to achieve it is to cultivate a “beginner’s mind”, also known as the “don’t-know mind”.

Shoshin is a word from Zen Buddhism meaning “beginner’s mind.” It refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when studying a subject, even when studying at an advanced level, just as a beginner would. 

As adults we spend much of our thinking time looking at the world through opinionated lenses. We learn so much as we get older that we begin to consider ourselves as “experts”. As with learning any new practice, having that viewpoint is a disadvantage. A beginner’s mind is “uncontaminated”. We let go of expectations and are open to each moment as something new, something fresh. 

An article on the website of The Chopra Center gives us eight tips for cultivating beginner’s mind. I encourage you to check out the full article at this website:  https://chopra.com/articles/8-tips-for-cultivating-a-beginners-mind

A couple of my favorite ones are “Emulate the Wonder of Children” and “Treat Every Day Like It’s Your Birthday”.

Emulate the Wonder of Children

“A child’s world is fresh and new and beautiful, full of wonder and excitement. It is our misfortune that for most of us that clear-eyed vision, that true instinct for what is beautiful and awe-inspiring, is dimmed and even lost before we reach adulthood. If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over all children, I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life.”

Rachel Carson, Famous Naturalist; Author of The Sense of Wonder and Silent Spring

Treat Every Day Like It’s Your Birthday

Remember how you looked forward to your birthday when you were a child? You felt a heightened sense of how special the experiences of that day would be. I don’t think I’m alone in still experiencing some of the magic of having a birthday. You wake up with anticipation and excitement. You are able to choose special things to do and eat on that day. You bask in the attention paid to you by others and consider this day as the first day of another amazing year of your life. You meet the world with your arms open wide and expect to be surprised. What if we approached every day like it’s our birthday?

Test yourself.  Answer the following questions to find out how much you may or may not approach life with a “beginner’s mind”:

1. How often do you get stuck in a pattern of doing the same things day after day?

2. Do you frequently think the same thoughts?

3. Maybe you ruminate on the same old story lines?

4. Are you haunted by indecision on the same problems?

5. Do you hit up against the same resistance to getting something done? 

Scott Jeffrey in “How to Adopt a Beginner’s Mind to Accelerate Learning and Increase Creativity” poses these questions and discusses the gift of divergent thinking. For more, here is a link to his article:

https://scottjeffrey.com/beginners-mind/

Next up in the world of mindfulness is trust. Check back in a few days to find out how trust is beneficial when cultivating mindfulness.  In the meantime, let me know your thoughts or questions on this topic simply by replying to this email. 

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Patience is not passive waiting. Patience is active acceptance of the process required to attain your goals and dreams.”

~ Ray Davis

     We need to have patience to learn something new. Learning how to be mindful is no different. Our minds want to think — constantly! They are designed to do that. We have to train them to stay in the present moment as much as possible, just noticing what’s happening NOW. At first our minds behave like a baby learning to walk, but like the baby, we can’t give up! The baby tries over and over learning how to walk, falling down many times, but doesn’t tell itself, “Well, I guess I’m just not supposed to be a walker!” For great entertainment and a good laugh, watch this YouTube video:

     Patience and persistence are “kissing cousins”. There will be some discomfort perhaps when you are trying to meditate and your mind keeps wandering. It may be quite irritating to accept that you just can’t do it perfectly at the start, but it will be worth it in the end, as you become aware of where your mind is roaming and patiently bring it back to focus on the present moment.

     In Part 2 of this series, we talked about being non-judgmental. Here’s the perfect opportunity to practice that! You are not a success or failure at being mindful. Success can be seen in your determination to keep trying, because success is inevitable if you don’t give up.

     Patience has long been considered a virtue, but in our modern society, it seems too passive or weak. However, it becomes necessary if you want to cultivate mindfulness, and is crucial to well-being and effectiveness.

     According to Mitch Abblett in an article he wrote for the website mindful.org, there are three mindful components we can use to build patience:

1. Cultivating acceptance of what is actually here in the present moment

2. Getting clear around the very real fact that everything changes, and …

3. Not getting stuck on believing that you are separate, an “island unto yourself”

What to Do When You’re Running Out of Patience

So, let’s go cultivate mindfulness to become more patient and cultivate patience to become more mindful.  What do you say?

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Whether we do it consciously or unconsciously, we all make judgments of ourselves and others. But, if we do so often, it can become a habit, and there are ways in which we can all benefit by being less judgmental.

Judgments are instilled in us practically from the day we are born. It is part of our programming. We learn that some things are bad and some things are good. We learn that some things are right and some things are wrong. We begin to immediately evaluate others and label them, often without even realizing that we are doing it. So, what are some benefits of curbing our judgments?  According to “Operation-Meditation”:

1. It opens us up to new experiences

If in the past we have decided that certain experiences are not okay, we may easily judge them to be bad without really even thinking about it. We close ourselves off from new experiences that we may actually appreciate and enjoy.

2. We will have higher quality friendships

If we have a friend who is constantly judging others in a negative way, we likely wonder what they are saying about us “behind our backs”. When we are afraid of judgment from another, we are less likely to share truths about ourselves, because it makes us more vulnerable. 

3. We can achieve greater spirituality

Being non-judgmental opens us up to greater acceptance and love, which enhances our relationships with all people and with the world in general.

4. We can be happier

Being judgmental is usually negative and will make our outlook on life more negative.

There was a woman working as a checker at the local supermarket. One day she was extremely rude to me and embarrassed me in front of the other customers. At first, I was very judgmental. “What a rude person! She should be fired from her job.” Later when the young man helped me to my car with my groceries, I complained to him about the woman’s rudeness. His response was to tell me that her son had been riding his bicycle the day before and got hit by a car. He was in the hospital recovering and his mother – the “rude” checker – could not be with him, because she was a single parent and couldn’t miss work. Well, I felt stupid! 

Have you had an experience like that when you pre-judged someone, not knowing the full story? We learn from those experiences, but we quickly forget unless we intentionally DECIDE to “press the pause button” at those times and ask ourselves if there could be something we don’t know about the other person, which would change the way we feel about their behavior if we just knew the circumstances.

That’s what a mindfulness practice can help us do. We can decide to become more neutral in our responses to our environment. We can decide to replace judgment with curiosity and simply be a witness to what’s going on around us rather than a major participant. Being judgmental – conscious or unconscious – keeps us stuck in a reactive way of experiencing life. Please share this article on your social media sites!

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What is on your mind right now?  Are you thinking about something that happened yesterday or last week? Are you rehearsing for an important conversation you will have tomorrow?

I took a course titled “Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction” (MBSR) twice – in 2007 and again in 2010. The Program was delivered over 8 weeks at the local yoga studio. I learned so much that I thought about becoming certified to provide the program myself. I haven’t yet gone through the certification training, but taking the course put me on a path of personal development and becoming more consciously aware. It was a turning point, I think, that led to me being certified by The Life Mastery Institute as a Transformational Life Coach in 2015.

One of the real beauties of the MBSR program is the effect it can have on disabilities. Many people come to the program suffering from one or more debilitating diseases or conditions. Though MBSR isn’t a cure, it makes life easier. I was diagnosed with MS in 2005. I learned that in stressful periods of my life, the disease would worsen. MBSR did a lot for me in terms of reducing the effects of stress. Life is stressful — there’s no way around that – but it can be managed and that’s where MBSR comes in.

So, what is mindfulness and how do we cultivate that? Mindfulness is a learned skill. Although we are likely born with it, our socialization makes us “forget” how to do it. Imagine a baby’s conscious awareness. There’s little if any time spent thinking about the past or the future. Babies live in the present moment.

Now, we know we can’t simply take on the characteristics of a baby. As adults we have “responsibilities”, so we need to be able to look beyond the present moment. However, we don’t need to dwell in the past or the future. Think of a time when you were consumed with thoughts about something unpleasant that was likely to occur in the future.

One method to not get caught up in the thoughts, is to ask yourself, “Is there anything right now, in the present moment, that is threatening me?” If there is, you need to deal with it. If not, you can learn to trust yourself to know how to handle whatever comes up. In an article written by my MBSR Instructor, Brant Rogers, certain attitudes will assist us in cultivating mindfulness:

1. Non-Judging

2. Patience

3. Beginner’s Mind

4. Trust

5. Non-Striving

6. Acceptance

7. Letting Go

Each of those attitudes, of course, needs to be cultivated individually. How do you rate on a scale of 1 – 10 right now in each of those areas? For example, take “patience”. If you give yourself a “1”, that would indicate that you have little to no patience. A score of “10” would mean that you are extremely patient. We don’t need to hit the number 10 mark on any of these, but with time we can improve our ability to be patient, for example, by becoming more mindful!

We cultivate these attitudes in order to become more mindful, and in doing so,

we increase our ability to be mindful! A self-fulfilling prophecy, of sorts!

I’d like to devote the next few blogs to exploring each of these attitudes to cultivate an understanding of them and to learn strategies to increase our abilities in them. Are you game?  If so, please join me for the next few articles, which I will be posting soon. In the meantime, if you know someone who could benefit by receiving this information, please forward this email to them, AND if you haven’t yet subscribed to the Authentic Living E-Newsletter, click here to begin receiving these free updates:

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Einstein’s equation is simple. The understanding and application of it is what is complex. And simple is not the same as “easy”. If it were easy, there would be no suffering in the world, right?

I am writing this article to bring some clarity to this conundrum. The Buddha taught that life is suffering, but he pointed out that we can control the amount and intensity of our suffering through how we respond to our environment. If we don’t resist what’s happening, there will be no suffering. For more on Buddha’s teachings, check out the Four Noble Truths. One website that makes it fairly easy to understand is https://www.zen-buddhism.net/buddhist-principles/four-noble-truths.html. 

Our suffering begins with an attachment: “The attachment to the desire to have (craving) and the desire not to have (aversion)“. The intensity of the craving or the aversion will either increase or decrease our suffering; thus resistance is the key variable in the equation.

As imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world, desires are inevitable. The goal, then, is not to deny ourselves what we desire, but to control our desires through non-attachment. 

Part of the complexity around suffering is the effect on our future lives. Carl Jung contended that “what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”  That statement seems counter-intuitive. It seems to be saying that it’s a good idea to accept what is, if only to put yourself in the best possible position to change it—or to achieve the freedom to move past it. Is your head spinning yet? 

Essentially, we attract to us whatever we are focusing on and giving our attention to. So, if we resist something that we don’t like, we have placed our attention on what we don’t like, and actually will attract more of what we don’t want. If we focus on our negative thoughts and images, we will remain under that cloud. If we focus on positive thoughts and have set goals that we aim to achieve, we will find a way to achieve them with massive action. This phenomenon is known as the Law of Attraction, which you probably have heard of.

Quantum physics helps prove that the Law of Attraction is real. 

The work of quantum physicists during recent years has helped to shine greater light on the incredible impact that the power of the mind has on our lives and the universe in general. The more that this idea is explored by scientists and great thinkers alike, the greater an understanding we have on just how significant a role the mind plays in shaping our lives and the world around us.

From the website http://www.thelawofattraction.com/what-is-the-law-of-attraction/

While most of us will not be able to truly understand the Law of Attraction, we can still take advantage of the power it has over our lives. It’s like believing in the existence of a God. It’s difficult to prove, yet is still powerful.

We are the artists of our own lives! We create pictures in our mind of what’s possible. From those images we make choices of which ones we want to attract. Then we can take action to make those images a reality.

No matter what you are looking to have or achieve or be in life, if you can hold onto an idea and see it for yourself in the mind’s eye, you can make it yours to have… with some effort on your part.

From the website http://www.thelawofattraction.com/what-is-the-law-of-attraction/

It’s both scary and exciting to know that we have so much control over our lives. If we acknowledge the truth of this Law, we are without excuses. Our lives are what we have created for ourselves. Our circumstances are the results of the choices we have made.

We can manifest love, abundance, good health, or a great job if we apply the principles of The Law of Attraction. Like anything else, we can get good at this through practice and persistence. In reality, success is inevitable if we believe in it and keep our faith. The only true variable is time. 

Circling back to the theme of this article, suffering is one of the emotions that we can control. By focusing on the positive, our resistance to what we don’t like decreases. We use the awareness of the problem or situation that could cause the suffering to fill our mind with images of what we want instead. Then we go about creating it. The first step is “awareness”. We can then use tools like visualization to create the images of what we want.

Sounds easy, but it’s not. Why not? The world we live in conspires against us. We have to overcome the paradigms that keep us stuck, which can be a big job, but the rewards are worth it!

What are your thoughts on this subject? Please comment below.

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There are many explanations for WHY people get depressed. Those explanations can be helpful from a rational perspective, but depression isn’t rational, is it?

In April 2017, I wrote an article titled, “Dealing With Depression”, and asserted the statement above. In that article, I listed some ways to deal with depression, but I didn’t tell my story.

My own challenges coping with depression have informed me in a way that nothing else can. In 1989, I was diagnosed with chronic depression, but for many years before that, it was a foggy window through which I viewed life. And today, I recognize that it’s not going away, and although prescriptions help to some degree, I still struggle to maintain a hopeful, positive outlook on life.

The diagnosis, however, was key to me finding my way to a better life at the time. I was in an abusive relationship and couldn’t see the truth of it. I offer my experience here as a testament to personal transformation through hard work and persistence. Nothing — no important change — happens overnight. And if that “depresses” you, I encourage you to stay vigilant. The potential for a better life is more than worth the effort.

The counselor I was seeing in 1989 had me take a psychological test called the MMPI to help her diagnose what was going on with me. The test confirmed chronic depression, and once I started taking Prozac, I began seeing my life from a different perspective. I began to understand why I had made unhealthy choices, and recognized that I could change that going forward. I began to see that I had been trying to take responsibility for everyone and everything. It was my fault if someone was unhappy. The counselor also drew some other conclusions, two of which were that I have trouble setting limits and that I have been doing too good a job of suppressing my emotions. Yikes! Lots to work on . . . Now, almost 30 years later, I am so much happier!

Do you or someone you know suffer from depression? It’s a disease that is treatable! Here are some symptoms of depression taken from an article by Dr. Iliriana B., MD:

1. Persistent Sadness
2. Feelings of Hopelessness
3. Feelings of Worthlessness
4. Feelings of Guilt
5. Loss of Interest
6. Sleep Disturbances
7. Difficulty Remembering and Concentrating
8. Suicidal Thoughts
9. Fatigue
10. Weight Loss / Gain

https://10faq.com/health/signs-of-depression/?gclid=Cj0KCQiA1NbhBRCBARIsAKOTmUsJ7mgZQ09YI0C5Gwj8QkVGsRV6asjnDHzIYhBY2VBf2zhfruBmMR0aApC5EALw_wcB

Many of us experience one or more of these symptoms at least once in our lives, but there is a difference with depression. The feelings don’t appear to be linked with any particular circumstances in our lives, but rather are evident for no identifiable reason.

If the feelings persist or get worse, it would be wise to seek help from medical professionals. Depression can be managed and life can end up being happier than ever. Once you recognize the symptoms, you can stop, feel the feelings, and then recognize that those feelings will pass, just as everything passes.  Please offer your comments below.

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Pause and celebrate your personal progress. Then set your sights on your next goal.

~  Sara Coughlin

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/author/sara-coughlin

For many people this time of year is one of the busiest, and in the midst of that, our world has completed another cycle around the sun. Do you acknowledge or celebrate the Winter Solstice? What do you do to celebrate?

Friday, December 21, 2018, is the official day of the Winter Solstice. It represents the shortest day of the year (and the longest night!) in the Northern Hemisphere, as well as the official beginning of the winter season. What on earth can we gain from less sun light and potentially colder temperatures? It’s an opportunity for . . . introspection. 

This year Winter Solstice arrives one day before the full moon. This moon phase is associated with growth, development, and progress.  The final stage before the moon is full matches the energy of anticipation. That’s the feeling we get just before completing a major project or realizing a big goal. We are encouraged to keep moving forward, but at the same time, we are reminded of how far we’ve come.

The convergence of these two natural phenomena (solstice and the day before the moon is full) is a very positive coincidence with an overarching theme of GROWTH. In a way, we are given the opportunity to increase our own light to make up for some of the light missing from our daily existence. To celebrate this profound time, consider lighting a fire or a few candles and giving yourself some time for reflection on what choices you made in 2018 that were beneficial to you. You may have stopped doing something that was out of alignment with your values. You may have allowed love to flourish in a way that satisfies your heart’s desire.

The smallest change in perspective can transform a life. What tiny attitude adjustment might turn your world around?

~ Oprah Winfrey

You have heard this all before, I’m sure, but it bears reminding ourselves from time to time that if we were just to change our perspective on a situation, we would change our actions and our attitude. Perspective and perception are closely related and both resemble what we believe is the “truth”. For example, if you think that toys corrupt children’s minds, then from your perspective a toy shop is an evil place.

If you are not feeling good about something, stop and ask yourself, “Is there possibly another way to look at this?” Without a doubt, there will be.

Consider the story of Viktor Frankl who lost his entire family during the Holocaust. He knew that he had been spared simply because the Nazis needed his experience and knowledge in the concentration camp as a doctor. One would expect Dr. Frankl to be bitter and angry, especially when a manuscript he had been writing was found by the guards, leading to harsh punishment. They stripped him naked, burned his only copy of the manuscript, and then demanded he give them the only thing left on his body — a thin gold wedding band — the only vestige left of his connection to the life he had known before. Despite all that had happened to him, Frankl decided he still had the freedom to decide how he would respond. It was the one thing the Nazis could not take away from him — his freedom to choose. He said to himself that no matter what they did to him, they couldn’t make him live in hatred. He refused to live in hatred. 

Be careful not to confuse the word “truth” with the word “fact”.  While truth is subjective, facts can usually be proven. There are no “alternative facts”, as politicians have recently tried to argue. Your truth and my truth are both equally valid, but facts exist outside of us and are, well, “factual.”

In order for us to change our lives for the better, we must build a larger belief in our own deserving. We are co-creators with life and not a victim of circumstances.  Help yourself build this believing by making a decision right here and right now to set down the “stuff” in your life that is not useful and might be holding you back. Feeling more deserving will open you up to the magnetic field that invokes the law of attraction. You will begin noticing that all kinds of things will come to you simply because of your change in perspective. There is no way that you can attract what you want if you don’t believe that you deserve it!

In order to feel more deserving, you may have some work to do on yourself. Some of that work includes:

1. Forgiving ourselves and others
2. Cultivating compassion
3. Focusing on gratitude
4. Befriending our fears
5. Increasing our generosity
6. Cultivating the “voice for truth” that lies within
7. Creating a support system
8. Being persistent
9. Accepting that “failure” is only feedback

As you can see, it’s a process, and this is where Coaching comes in. No one should tackle all of this on their own. 

It’s a little like “tough love”. 

A coach can help you change your perspective and keep you focused on your goals.  A good coach will ask you the right questions and encourage you when you want to give up. A coach will help you “navigate the gap” between where you are today and where you want to be in a year, 2 years, or 3 years into the future. Sure, maybe you can accomplish all this on your own, but how long will it take? A coach will shorten the time and help ensure the outcomes you want.

For anyone ready to invest in themselves to create a “new you, I have a very special gift. For the first 5 people to respond to this offer, I will give you 45 minutes of my time — at no charge — to take you to the next step on your journey. I will tune in to your specific dreams, help you identify any current road blocks, and come up with steps you can take today, from exactly where you are right now. Please complete the response form below, and I will contact you to schedule your session.

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

I get nervous if I don’t have a plan. My ego starts freaking out. Does that happen to you?

If it does, you and I both need to heed the words of Mandy Hale in the quote for this blog:

You don’t always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.”

I will literally force myself to sit down and diligently try to come up with a plan when one does not exist. The problem with that is that my mind (ego) is engaged, but my heart (intuition) is not. Waiting patiently for my heart to inform my mind can be stressful. In order to hear from my heart, I must be willing to go into silence and just wait. Arghhhh!

As with any change, trusting and letting go require that we set an intention. Beyond that, we also have to take action, which sometimes means just giving ourselves the space to allow whatever is there to reveal itself. 

I consider taking a walk in the woods or meditating to help open up the channels of my heart’s knowledge. Sometimes I resist even doing that, which I don’t understand. Again, it must be my ego coming from a place of fear. The actions I decide to take could feed into the fear or calm the fear by not feeding it.

Today, I have made a decision and set an intention to feed my faith rather than my fear. To do that, I need to put into action a few things, including:

• Leaving my office
• Driving out into the countryside
• Finding a peaceful place to walk or just sit in silence
• Asking for help 
• Writing what I learned

For now, I would like to leave you with a meditation that I have recorded. The actual script is available as a PDF document, which you can request if you would like it, or you can just listen to the recording as many times as you would like.

Now, “breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.”

Thank you for sharing!

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