Life is not fair! Yes, that’s the reality that keeps coming up but knowing that doesn’t really help when we are enmeshed in a difficult situation. What does help? Being resilient.
Resilience is a learned trait. We aren’t born knowing how to be resilient, although some of us may find it easier than others. The thing is, anyone can develop resilience. So, let’s do this.
“Why should I?”, you may wonder. Good question. Let’s take a look at what resilience IS and how it can make life better. That can help us stay motivated as we work to cultivate it.
According to Psychology Today, “Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes.” Some factors of resilience include:
- a positive attitude
- the ability to regulate emotions, and
- the ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback
Resilience is a choice. We can choose to be a victim of our circumstances, or we can choose to get back up off the floor, brush ourselves off and keep moving forward. Even people who have suffered the worst abuse imaginable can still find resilience within.
Actress Susan Sarandon describes resilience this way:
Resilient people do not let adversity define them. They find resilience by moving towards a goal beyond themselves, transcending pain and grief by perceiving bad times as a temporary state of affairs.
Is resilience genetic? Are we born with the ability to be resilient? Experts argue that it is both genetics and something anyone can cultivate. We’ve seen them — those people who seem to roll with the punches naturally, but unless we are lucky enough to have been born with a natural tendency to better handle life’s stresses, most people have to set an intention to cultivate resilience and regularly spend time and energy to reinforce it.
Unfortunately, there are elements in our society that reward people for seeing themselves as victims. Washington, D.C. psychiatrist Steven Wolin, M.D. points out that “There is a whole industry that would turn you into a victim by having you dwell on the traumas in your life”. In reality, he says, “you all have considerable capacity for strength, although you might not be wholly aware of it.”
Sometimes it feels easier to be a victim. If we can blame others for the bad things that may have happened in the past; we don’t feel obliged to change. And it can be seductive to receive sympathy and attention when we are suffering.
Wolin defines resiliency as:
. . . the capacity to rise above adversity—sometimes the terrible adversity of outright violence, molestation or war—and forge lasting strengths in the struggle. It is the means by which children of troubled families are not immobilized by hardship but rebound from it, learn to protect themselves and emerge as strong adults, able to lead gratifying lives.”
I am writing a series of blogs on resilience because I think it is a very important quality to develop. It’s equivalent in the physical realm to building infrastructure that can support whatever we are trying to develop. With that one trait, we can improve our lives. Without it, everything we are trying to develop can be compromised.
Because resilience is something that most of us have to develop over time and continually reinforce, let’s take a look at various aspects of it and develop strategies we can practice on a daily basis.
Stay tuned!