I admit that this subject is about an area that I struggle with all the time. I experience real pain and guilt if I believe something I did or said has upset someone else. I immediately want to make them feel better, yet if I have been honest and stayed in alignment with my core values, I am not able or willing to try to undo what has been done. I just wish they could understand and stop being angry at me! Is that too much to ask?

Short Answer: “YES”.

Altering my behavior to AVOID hurting someone else and sidestepping their anger is one way to deal with this attachment, but that sets up a pattern in the relationship that is not healthy and is difficult to reverse in the future. 

Peter Bregman, in his article in Psychology Today, What to Do When You’ve Made Someone Angry, says that there is this difference in perspectives that complicates our understanding of each other and our ability to communicate when we have angered someone else. It’s the difference between “intention” and “consequences”.  As an example, my intention in abruptly leaving an organization is to get out of the way so others can assume the leadership going forward. I, in good faith, believe that it would be detrimental to the organization (and to me) for me to continue being in charge. My intention feels healthy to me.

However, others left holding the bag are experiencing the consequences of my decision, and may even take my leaving as a personal affront (i.e. “How could I do this to them?”). Do they even care what my intention was? Probably not. They are focused entirely on the resulting circumstances. Bregman advises that there is a way to possibly un-ruffle the feathers a bit by acknowledging the other party’s feelings and expressing regret for unwittingly causing any pain.

As in my example above, I could write to the people affected in the organization and simply say, “I realize that my actions may have caused you pain. I also recognize that you may feel like I abandoned you. I’m sorry that my actions have resulted in tough circumstances for you to contend with. It was not my intention to hurt you.” He advises to not go into what your intention was. The other party doesn’t really care at that point. You may never have the opportunity to explain your intention and that has to be okay. That is what you need to let go of.

We learn what will become unhealthy patterns of behavior at a very young age in our families of origin. We love our parents and depend upon them. We don’t want to upset them, so we try to behave in ways that will not generate negative feelings. In those early years, we can’t really come to grips with having negative feelings towards someone we love and depend on. Our sense of security rests somewhat in our ability to keep others happy and thinking good thoughts about us.

In an article titled, Setting Emotional Boundaries: Stop Taking on Other People’s Feelings , Alana Mbanza tells us:

Like me, you’re probably extremely affected by the emotions and energy of the people and spaces around you. At times, it can be incredibly hard to distinguish between your “stuff” and other people’s “stuff.”

It is incredibly important to establish clear emotional boundaries, or we can become so overwhelmed and overstimulated by what’s going around us that it’s sometimes hard to function.

~  Alana Mbanza

She recommends the following 3 ways to begin the process of establishing healthier emotional boundaries:

In the last blog, I gave an introduction to what is known as HeartMath. You learned that we are much stronger and more capable when we can use both the heart and the brain simultaneously. Because the heart connects us to the Universe, the life source, it’s important that we connect with it regularly. Otherwise, we are only paying attention to our cognitive brain, which demands the majority of our attention and gets it if we aren’t careful.  

In the intersection where our body and soul meet, our physical heart beats in time with the rhythm of the universe. It does the physical work of supplying our body with life force without our attention, but for its spiritual work, we need to be conscious. When we concentrate on its rhythm and glowing light, we remember that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Then we know that we can choose any time to check in with our heart center, and in doing so, experience the joy of being in love with life.

~ Madisyn Taylor, DailyOM

Perhaps you are already aware that there are conversations going on within you all the time between your heart and your brain. Emotions generated in the heart and communicated to the brain generate chemical responses. If the emotions are negative, the brain responds in such a way that our bodies are alerted to protect us, elevating the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. The signals are chaotic in nature.

In contrast, positive emotions like love, compassion, and gratitude, produce a harmonized signal that relaxes us. We don’t feel stress. We don’t feel danger. The stress hormones decrease and are replaced by hormones that support our immune system, for example. We have a sense of well-being. 

The dialogue between our heart and brain occurs at a very low frequency, so that we are usually not aware of it. But we can often sense the vibration, and so can other human beings and animals, like whales or dolphins. We get “vibes”, for example, that may be quite strong. It is here that the scientific and spiritual worlds intersect brought about by the heart-brain connection.

The Heart-Math Institute (HMI) has developed techniques that are safe, well-researched, and simple that allow us to apply the phenomenon of the heart/brain connection. The techniques are applied through an exercise called “Quick-Coherence”, which can be taught to anyone. If you are interested in learning more, go to the website of the Heart-Math Institute, https://www.heartmath.org/.

Gregg Braden in his article titled, “Accessing Your Heart Intelligence: How to Strengthen Your Intuitive Heart Brain Connection” warns us, though, that we must take care when sharing what we learn with others. He says:

 While your heart’s wisdom may be true for you, it may not always be true for someone else. Our friends, children, siblings, life partners, and families all have their own heart wisdom. We can’t possibly know with certainty what’s true for them. And we can’t always know how our well-intentioned sharing may affect the experience of another person. 

We must be discerning about why we want to share our new-found understanding with others, by asking the following questions:

1. What is my intention in sharing what I’ve discovered?
2. Who will benefit if I share this information? Or specifically, How will _______ benefit if I share this information? (Fill in the blank with the name of the person you’re considering sharing your revelation with.)
3. Who can be hurt by my sharing of this information?

To read the full article, follow this link:  https://www.consciouslifestylemag.com/heart-brain-connection-intuitive-intelligence/

Is this some kind of magic?  No, it’s not.  We are all born with this natural harmony and connection of the brain and heart until we were conditioned to separate them.

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New research shows the human heart is much more than an efficient pump that sustains life.
Our research suggests the heart also is an access point to a source of wisdom and intelligence
that we can call upon to live our lives with more balance, greater creativity and enhanced intuitive
capacities. All of these are important for increasing personal effectiveness, improving
health and relationships and achieving greater fulfillment.

In all of our media – poetry, music, theater, cinema – the heart is referred to with reverence. Yet scientifically it has still been described as just an organ in the human body that oxygenates our blood and pumps it into our arteries. More recent research has shown that the heart is much more important to our existence. In order to take full advantage of what the heart has to offer, we must bring the brain and the heart into balance and coherence with one another. Like any sort of synchronicity, the heart and brain working together is much more powerful than either one existing side-by-side without being in alignment. 

The mission of the HeartMath Institute, founded in 1991, is “to help people bring their physical, mental and emotional systems into balanced alignment with their heart’s intuitive guidance. This unfolds the path for becoming heart-empowered individuals who choose the way of love, which they demonstrate through compassionate care for the well-being of themselves, others and Planet Earth”. Here then is a short video introduction into the Heart/Math phenomenon:

The HeartMath Institute recently released this book:

https://www.heartmath.org/research/science-of-the-heart/

HeartMath Infographic

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Fall or Autumn is my favorite time of year!  It feels transformative in a way that other seasons don’t. I can recall making changes in my life in the Fall almost as if I needed to harvest what I had learned before it went fallow. 

This year – 2018 – the Autumn Equinox falls on September 22nd at 6:54 pm Pacific Time.  I would like to celebrate it in a semi-formal way, just because I love the season so much. What is your favorite season and why?

Some of the things I love about Fall include the smells, the vibrant colors, the feel of a crispness in the air, the bare fields and the heaviness of the grapes on the vines. I also love the Holidays. Halloween just happens to be my daughter’s birthday, but even before she was born, the excitement of that Halloween was always very invigorating. And Thanksgiving . . . being grateful for so much, like the bounty from the harvests and the bounty of love’s potential in the World.

In spite of all the beauty and joy, however, there is a contrasting sense of melancholy. The warm weather and the long days are dwindling away. The months ahead bring shorter days, cooler temperatures, and in the Pacific Northwest where I live, months of cloudiness and rain that seem to last forever. I am forced to take notice of what is happening, if only to prepare for those changes.

Before the rain begins, I want more than ever to spend as much time outside as possible. Some activities lend themselves well to the Autumn season. Some examples can be found on this website, The Rhythms of Play:

• https://rhythmsofplay.com/11-ways-to-celebrate-the-fall-autumnal-equinox/

You may not need an excuse to play, but for those of us being held hostage by the daily demands of life, consider some of the ideas on the website to break free, if only for a day or two:

1. Because Autumn is a time of harvest, make a list of everything you are thankful for and maybe begin collecting grateful thoughts in a special jar to look back on when you need a little pick-me-up.
2. Make Fall nature crafts, using items from outdoors, like leaves and nuts.
3. Let go of something old and begin something new. Start by making a list of all the things you’ve been wanting to do and then pick the top two or three to actual carry out.
4. Visit local farms or orchards and take part in activities like going through a corn maze, taking a hayrack ride, or picking some pumpkins to carve.
5. Decorate your home with fall decor using items from nature.
6. Have or attend a bonfire (remember Homecoming?).

Can you tell?  I’m distracting myself from the trials and tribulations occurring on the world stage right now and focusing instead on small pleasures that make life so much more worth living. Take 5 minutes right now to enjoy the sights and sounds of Autumn in New England:

Happy Autumn!

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Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.

Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now”

Imagine for a moment that all the problems in your life were suddenly eliminated. That would be such a relief, right? But the relief would not last unless you realized that it was your choice in the first place to suffer by not living in the present moment. It is our attachment to the past and future and our denial of the present moment that causes our suffering.

Problems don’t actually exist in the present moment. The problems we think we “have” are simply situations. If we become stuck in them, making them part of who we think we are, we cannot be happy. Happiness is only possible when we pay attention to what’s happening right now. We can look around and use all of our senses to be with whatever is there. We can see shapes and colors and textures. We can listen to the sounds and even be aware of the space between the sounds without judging them. We can touch something and connect with its beingness. Without thinking we can just sense everything in and around us.

The life situations we find ourselves caught up in are not truly our lives. They are produced by our minds in response to our past and the unknown future. They take us completely away from the present moment. Without judging ourselves, we can simply become aware of when we are allowing situations or problems to take up space in our sense of reality. We can hit the “pause” button, disconnect from the thoughts and focus instead on what is happening right now. We can bring our “presence” to the “present”.

Just for a few minutes right now become conscious of your breathing, noticing the rhythm, feeling the air pass in and out and feeling the energy in your body in response to it.

Think of it this way . . . In an emergency situation, you know that you are not dealing with a problem. You are dealing with something happening right now that needs to be responded to right now. The mind must stop and allow us to be totally present in the situation in order to respond. When we do that, extraordinary things can happen, like people lifting cars to free someone trapped beneath.

There is a freedom in simply “being”, so next time you think you might be stuck in your mind, just ask yourself, “Am I experiencing whatever the moment offers me right now?” If the answer is “no”, it’s likely that you have allowed time to take precedence over the present moment. You are not free. You are identifying with the past or the future, rather than giving your full attention to whatever is happening at the moment. At the same time, you must completely accept what is happening now, because you can’t give your full attention to something and at the same time, resist it.

A lot of people escape into the past or future because they cannot accept impermanence. They would prefer reliving the past, no matter how painful that might be, or imagine an unknown future, no matter how scary that might be, rather than accept that everything changes and they have little control over that reality. True freedom comes from accepting impermanence.

Let me know your thoughts or any questions you may have.

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There are two types of time – one is “practical time”. The other is “subjective time”. 

Practical time is what we use when there are practical matters to deal with. Subjective time is when we dwell on something from the past or obsess on something in the future and make it part of our sense of self. 

In the case of practical time, we include learning from the past but don’t dwell on the past. By learning from the past we can set goals and work towards them and take appropriate action. Any lesson from the past has value in how it is used in the Now, which is, for example, to not make the same mistake over and over. 

If you are viewing time from a subjective standpoint, you dwell on what happened in the past and allow it to bring up emotions that are self-critical, such as remorse or guilt. Subjective time is always linked to a false sense of identity. We ARE NOT what has happened in the past. We ARE who we are in the present moment. 

We must be alert to the difference between practical time and subjective time and set ourselves a goal of using time for practical matters, while at the same time keeping it objective, rather than subjective. 

Another way that subjective time is displayed is when we set a goal and become excessively attached to reaching it. We are not honoring the present moment when we do that. We are just using it as a means to reach an end result. We are no longer able to “smell the roses”.

Subjective time can become a mental illness. As Eckhart Tolle points out, 

You will not have any doubt that psychological {subjective} time is a mental disease if you look at its collective manifestations. They occur, for example, in the form of ideologies . . . or rigid religious belief systems, which operate under the implicit assumption that the highest good lies in the future and that therefore the end justifies the means.

He gives as an example the rise of communism to bring about a “better world”, which resulted in the loss of as many as 50,000,000 lives in Russia, China, and other countries. 

Ask yourself a couple of questions from Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, to learn whether you are succumbing to the destructive nature of subjective time:

1. Are you always trying to get somewhere other than where you are?

2. Is most of your doing just a means to an end? 

3. Is fulfillment always just around the corner or confined to short-lived pleasures? 

4. Are you always focused on becoming, achieving, and attaining?

5. Do you believe that if you acquire more things you will become more fulfilled, good enough, or psychologically complete?

6. Are you waiting for a man or woman to give meaning to your life?

I have to admit that a few of those questions have applied to me in the past and will again in the future unless I am ALERT to the danger of this kind of thinking.

I will end with this quote from a book titled, Journey Into Now, written by Leonard Jacobsen:

There is nothing wrong with thinking. There is nothing wrong with entering the world of the mind, as long as you know that you are entering a world of illusion, and you know that only the present moment is the truth of life. Then you can play in the world of time, with your thoughts, memories and imaginings. Enjoy yourself, but be careful! It is easy to get lost there.”

What are your thoughts about this very important challenge?

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Have you ever gotten down the road and realized that you hadn’t really paid attention as you drove?  Your mind was busy “thinking” about stuff. What stuff?  Was it important? Sometimes we’re not even sure what we were thinking about. Our cognitive, analytical mind was driving us while we were driving the car!

We are exploring being present to “the Now” because the present moment is the true reality. 

Do we need our mind and the knowledge it holds? Yes. It is necessary for the practical realm of day-to-day living. But if our mind takes over all aspects of our lives, including our relationships with others and with nature, it becomes a monster — a parasitic Mind Monster. Yikes!  To prevent being taken over by the Monster, we must learn how to change our perceptions by permanently shifting our consciousness. Breaking a pattern or paradigm is never easy, but for our personal wellbeing and the wellbeing of our entire planet, we must accept the challenge. 

The first step to shifting our consciousness is to simply become the Watcher. We can then begin to notice when we are not aware of what is happening in the present moment. Start observing the habit you may have of escaping from the Now. If you are thinking about something in the future, you may have an image in your mind of something that is more pleasant than the present moment. Or you may have an image of something worse, which could cause you to become anxious. Neither image is real. It comes from your imagination. You have painted a picture of something that is unlikely to occur in the future and have become more interested in that imaginary picture than you are in experiencing what is going on right now. 

Maybe you have done something similar to this:  You are watching your child playing soccer and then all of a sudden you are thinking about an important meeting you have the next day. You create a story about the meeting in your mind, imagining it with enough details to make it feel like a real event. If you are worried about what may happen during the meeting, the tendency will be to try to prepare yourself for what you think will be unpleasant. If you believe that something good will result from the meeting, you entertain yourself with thoughts of joy and happiness. The soccer game goes on without you until you hear the screams from the onlookers and notice that your child must have just scored a goal and you missed it! Not a good feeling.

What was really accomplished by imagining that meeting to take place the next day? Nothing. You simply escaped the reality of the present moment, which had unfortunate consequences. Try explaining that to your child! 

How do I know that this happens? Because I used to “rehearse” my future a lot, probably hoping that I could control the outcome by preparing for what might happen. That parasitic Monster had taken over my mind.

This week practice watching your mind. Just through observing your thoughts, you can begin to escape the pattern that steals you away from the Now. Be interested but not judgemental. Watch the thought, feel the emotion, and observe your reaction. You will become more present to your life automatically. 

The moment you realize you are not present, you are present. Whenever you are able to observe your mind, you are no longer trapped in it. Another factor has come in, something that is not of the mind: the witnessing presence.

~ Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Can you share any “aha” moments of when you became aware of how much your mind is controlling your consciousness? How did you begin to overcome the parasitic Mind Monster?

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Illustration from the book, “Be Here Now” by Ram Dass

I just finished up with a series of 6 blogs on Resilience. If you haven’t seen them yet, they are still available to read and download. Go to this link on the website:

https://www.authenticlifecoach.net/blogs

One of the very important keys to living a life you love is to bring yourself to the present moment whenever possible. There are many books and articles on living in the present moment and I have read many of them. Like anything else, you can teach yourself how to live more in the present moment. It is an acquired skill!

One of the very important keys to living a life you love is to bring yourself to the present moment . . .

Are you listening?  Do you hear that voice in your head or do you hear that bird singing?  Using our five senses (and sometimes a 6th sense) we can connect with the present moment whenever we make a decision to do so. Don’t get me wrong. I am not de-valuing the thinking mind unless it runs amok!  Some thinking is not only good, it is necessary to live in a 3-dimensional world. The value of the thinking we do is what is at issue, not the act of thinking itself. 

The question we might consider asking ourselves is whether or not what we are thinking is TRUE. If it is not true, it may work against us. Let me give you an example in the form of a story.

A beggar had been sitting by the side of a road for over 30 years. One day a stranger walked by. “Spare some change?” mumbled the beggar, mechanically holding out his old baseball cap. “I have nothing to give you,” said the stranger. “What’s that you are sitting on?

” Nothing”, replied the beggar. “Just an old box. I have been sitting on it for as long as I can remember.”

“Ever looked inside?” asked the stranger. “No,” said the beggar. “What’s the point? There’s nothing in there.”

“Have a look inside,” insisted the stranger. The beggar managed to pry open the lid. With astonishment, disbelief, and elation, he saw that the box was filled with gold.

The beggar believed his thought that the box was empty, even though he had never actually checked to make sure that was true. It took an interruption (the stranger) to question the truth of his thought. The longer we have been thinking a particular thought, the more we believe it.

Most people are compulsive thinkers, but the truth is that we must interrupt the thinking (like the stranger did for the beggar) or it will control us. Personal growth and transformation cannot occur unless we can discern truth from fiction. Thinking false thoughts creates roadblocks to our development as human beings unless we question them. We must be careful not to let our compulsive, dysfunctional thoughts to take control of us. 

The past is gone. The future is not yet here, and if we do not go back ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.

 

~  Thich Nat Hanh

I invite you to try an experiment. Allow your thoughts to run freely for a period of time – say 20 minutes – and then do something to force the thinking to stop. You could have an alarm set to end the thinking cycle or hit a virtual “pause button”. You could get up and take a walk or get some refreshment . . . whatever will distract you for a couple of minutes. Then go back over the thoughts you were having and try to discern whether what you were thinking was true. 

Try to repeat this exercise every day for a few days and then evaluate if it has become easier (or less easy) to interrupt your thoughts. Also, notice if you had some thoughts that passed the test of “truthfulness”. 

I would love to hear from you after you try this. How did it work? How did you feel?

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Would you describe yourself as resilient?  On a scale of 1 – 10, where do you rank? Is there a test like the well-known personality tests that can measure resilience?  According to Norman Garmezy, a Developmental Psychologist, we cannot determine if someone is resilient or not unless they experience adversity.

It’s only when you’re faced with obstacles, stress, and other environmental threats that resilience, or the lack of it, emerges: Do you succumb or do you surmount?

Norman Garmezy, Developmental Psychologist

I think most people, including psychologists, would agree that the ability to be resilient is very helpful. When you have resilience, you access a part of yourself that helps you recover from something negative that has happened. You may have lost your job, be experiencing a serious illness, or maybe the death of a loved one. Those who are low on the resilience scale might dwell on their problems, feel like a victim, become overwhelmed, or resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as drinking or taking drugs.

The Mayo Clinic wants to help. If you are not as resilient as you would like to be, you can develop skills to become better prepared to handle a disaster. Staff from the clinic assert that resilience is not the same as “toughing it out”, being stoic or going it alone. In fact, they say, seeking help is a necessary component of being resilient.

Here are recommendations to develop resiliency from the Mayo Clinic:

• Get connected. Building strong, positive relationships with loved ones and friends can provide you with needed support and acceptance in both good times and bad. Establish other important connections by volunteering or joining a faith or spiritual community.
• Make every day meaningful. Do something that gives you a sense of accomplishment and purpose every day. Set goals to help you look toward the future with meaning.
• Learn from experience. Think of how you’ve coped with hardships in the past. Consider the skills and strategies that helped you through rough times. You might even write about past experiences in a journal to help you identify positive and negative behavior patterns — and guide your future behavior.
• Remain hopeful. You can’t change the past, but you can always look toward the future. Accepting and even anticipating change makes it easier to adapt and view new challenges with less anxiety.
• Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings. Participate in activities and hobbies you enjoy. Include physical activity in your daily routine. Get plenty of sleep. Eat a healthy diet. Practice stress management and relaxation techniques, such as yoga, meditation, guided imagery, deep breathing or prayer.
• Be proactive. Don’t ignore your problems. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan, and take action. Although it can take time to recover from a major setback, traumatic event or loss, know that your situation can improve if you work at it.

If you don’t think you are making progress despite your efforts, it may be time to seek guidance from a counselor, therapist, or life coach.

A VIDEO FROM STRESSFREE.ORG

Please share your comments below!

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CONSIDER THE BIG PICTURE

When you look out at the ocean or up at the stars in the sky, do you feel “small”? Sometimes that kind of experience gives us a different perspective. We are part of something much larger than ourselves. We may not understand it, but we feel it and see physical evidence of it.

At some level, we know that we are more than our physical body and our mind. We are part of an ever-expanding universe which is beyond our comprehension. We may often feel afraid of what exists outside of our understanding, but we can choose instead to accept and have faith that there is some divine order at play that holds everything together.

Perhaps we are not limited to our identity as inhabitants of our beautiful planet Earth. Our bodies may be temporary vessels that allow us to live here and function within the confines of space and time. From that perspective, a lot of what causes us angst in our day-to-day lives feels insignificant. Stepping outside of ourselves – or the perception we have of ourselves – can actually be a reassuring experience.

Yes, it is a mystery . . . a mystery of divine implications. Although we get a well-developed brain as part of our bodysuit, which allows us to analyze and solve problems, it doesn’t allow us to understand everything that we encounter. Philosophers over the ages have tried diligently to explain the unknown through theories and speculation. Science gives us evidence of the bigger picture but doesn’t tie everything together into a nice neat little package. We are forced to accept what we can’t understand and continue living a daily life that seems paradoxical at times.

Cultivating an acceptance of all that is — whether we understand it or not — is a powerful strategy for becoming more resilient. Rather than having an internal battle in our struggle to understand why things are happening as they are, we can CHOOSE to let go and surrender by loving ourselves unconditionally. We need to show compassion for the confusion we feel. We are only human, right?  Or are we ….?

Madison Taylor expresses it well in her article titled Everything is in Divine Order. For the full article, click on the link below the quote.

Even when we feel we have been guided by our intuition every step of the way, we may find ourselves facing unexpected loss and disappointment. At times like these, we can find some solace in trusting that no matter how bad or just plain inexplicable things look from our perspective, they are, in fact, in divine order.

Everything is in Divine Order

There are ways to get in contact with the “bigger picture”, including:

• taking the opportunity to be in nature often and regularly
• meditation
• contemplative movements like yoga or tai chi
• conscious breathing
• chanting

Do you have ways to connect with your divine self?

I invite you to comment below to share your thoughts and perhaps begin a conversation about this quandary. And I invite you to subscribe to the Authentic Living E-Newsletter if you haven’t already, by clicking on this link:

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