In the last blog, Opposites Attract – The Narcissist and The People-Pleaser (Part 6 in the Series RELATIONSHIP MATTERS), I warned about the challenges and potential disaster when a narcissist and a people pleaser are together in a close relationship. I promised that I would give some “real life” examples of being a people pleaser from my own experiences. Here it is, along with some potential antidotes for people pleasing, if you are interested.
The real-life examples I share are from my own experiences. As I confessed in the last blog, I am a Recovering People Pleaser. In the interest of not boring you, I will only give a couple of examples.
I used to try to please my teachers, resulting in my classmates’ rejection. In 4th grade, my math teacher, Mrs. Mosier, was a tall woman with steely gray hair and wire-rimmed spectacles. She was always gruff and scared us all. I decided to be extra nice to her and do whatever she said immediately.
One day in class, she changed my seat with another student in the front row. At first, I thought it was punishment, but she said, “I am putting Pam here at the front, because she is a perfect example of a good student. All of you can see her up here and learn to follow her example.” I wanted to die from embarrassment, so kept my face pointed straight ahead, knowing that the other kids were shooting bullets from their eyes towards me.
Another time, Mrs. Mosier was punishing some students and made them sit under their desks for a period of time. She asked ME to monitor them and report to her the second anyone tried to climb out from under their desk or did something they shouldn’t. I squeezed my eyes shut and made a fervent wish to disappear, knowing that I would be more hated than ever. The other students were getting punished, but it was also true that my punishment was almost worse by her making an example of me and putting me in charge. I definitely got some grief on the playground that year. The point is, I didn’t get what I wanted, which was simply to stay out of trouble.
As a people pleaser, my behavior was often determined by other people. In my twenties, a close female friend and I used to party together. She was outgoing while I was more of an introvert. I wanted to be accepted by her so she would want me around, so I often modeled my behavior after hers. That ended up getting me in trouble a few times.
One afternoon we were shooting pool together in a tavern and met two young men who asked us to meet them later that evening for a “date”. I was not very comfortable with that, but when my friend made fun of me for being so conservative, I changed my mind and agreed to go with her to meet up with them. It was a strange evening and ended up to be very bad. She had driven, so I had no car to escape the situation. All of a sudden I noticed that she (and her car) had disappeared with one of the young men. I was stuck getting a ride home with the other guy and was nearly raped.
Lesson learned: Trust your intuition and don’t agree to do something that doesn’t feel right, even if it means the other person doesn’t like you anymore.
Unfortunately for a people pleaser, it is difficult to break the habit. It took more than one near disaster to convince me to trust myself and set limits on what I would allow to have happen to me. You can read my memoir (if I ever finish it) to learn more of the gory details!
It’s not like other people tell us or make us be people pleasers. We do it willingly and then regret it later. So, what’s a people pleaser to do?
First of all, we need to acknowledge what we are doing and, in particular, WHY we are doing it. And truthfully answer the question, “Am I actually getting what I want?” One of the problems that people pleasers face is burn out. We give and give and give but rarely get back what we want. We blame others for our own unhappiness. Believe it or not, other people will treat us better when we don’t try so hard to please them!
Kira Lynne – another recovering people pleaser – suggests these antidotes to people pleasing in an article she wrote in 2017:
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Put yourself first (scary if you’re a people pleaser!).
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Give to others without wanting or expecting anything in return. Truly not wanting or expecting anything.
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Trust that your genuine friends will understand your change in behaviour. Explaining it to them can help alleviate the anxiety that comes with changing the way you do things.
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Check in with yourself to ensure you are giving for the right reasons before you make a move.
She says that “each choice you make for you is a step towards balanced self-determinism.” I hope that the information in this article is helpful if you suffer from this personality disorder – and it is a disorder, so take it seriously.
The friend I mentioned above once called me a sponge and a doormat, as well. Too bad I didn’t get the message at the time and tell her to “go jump!” Let me know your thoughts on this and subscribe to the monthly e-newsletter with more information, offers for help, and valuable insights.