NARCISSISM: The Tendency & Ways to Manage It – Part 8 in the Series RELATIONSHIPS MATTER

In Part 6 of the RELATIONSHIPS MATTER blog series, I focused the flashlight on the fact that opposites can attract in self-destructive ways. People who have narcissistic tendencies and those who tend to be people pleasers are easily drawn to one another, often with unintended and disastrous consequences.

In the last blog, I wrote specifically about the people-pleaser personality trait, the problem, and suggested antidotes. I confessed that I am a “recovering” people pleaser and gave examples of how that HASN’T worked very well in my life. Now, I want to focus on the narcissistic personality. One way to help recover from either people pleasing or being narcissistic is to understand more about both types, so I am devoting this blog to better understand the side of the coin inhabited by a narcissist. There are antidotes available to the narcissist, too, which I will highlight in this blog.

In the article Confessions of a Recovering Narcissist by Lion Goodman (https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hesaid-confessions-of-a-recovering-narcissist/), he says:

I had good relationships with great women – strong, smart, sexy females who thought I was a great guy… until I suddenly withdrew, or made plans without checking with them, or took off to chase success, or an intense experience, or another woman. As long as my needs were getting met in the relationship, I was pretty happy. But when I wasn’t, I began looking around for the next opportunity to fulfill my desires.

Being a narcissist, however, doesn’t mean you get what you want in the long run. Goodman felt bad when his relationships ended. He recognized the pattern in his relationships and the damage he was causing, and began to look inside for the answers. He read books and articles on narcissism and participated in a men’s group. He concluded that he needed to work on changing his beliefs, which came mostly from his “early programming” and his “social conditioning”.

The first step is awareness, right? I’ve been preaching that for a long time and find it’s true for everyone. Goodman freely admits that while narcissism is a term from psychology, at its essence, it is really just a fancy term for extreme selfishness. The fact that he did care about the impact he was having on other people meant there was hope. He had reached the 2nd level – acceptance or acknowledgment. In addition, he was motivated further to change once he admitted that he “wanted to learn to really love.”

Goodman achieved the third step, which is being ready to take action. One thing we can all agree on is that change is never easy, especially when it is reinforced by a pattern of behavior and is part of a deeply held belief. The ego does a very good job of dissuading us from changing the status quo. It warns of danger from veering off the established path, even if that path is not leading us to what we want.

Like any other personality trait, narcissism ranges over a broad spectrum of degrees, from what one might recognize as healthy self-care to the extreme form of destructive narcissism, when individuals don’t care about the impact of their selfish behavior on others.

If you or someone you love exhibits extreme narcissistic behavior, professional help is highly recommended. For more mild forms, if someone can access the three stages mentioned above – awareness, acceptance, and action– it may be easier for them to change, but it will still be a process requiring time, energy, and persistence, not to mention support from those who care about them.

We all want to be cared for. . . In a mature relationship, each person takes full responsibility for the entire triumvirate: oneself, the other person, and the third entity: the relationship itself.

Lion Goodman, Confessions of a Recovering Narcissist, April 12, 2018

If you have narcissistic tendencies, here are a couple of Lion’s suggestions:

- Create a balance between self-oriented pursuits, with its opposite: care and respect for the interests and needs of the other.
- Learn to love as an activity you actively engage in, not a state you expect to be swept up into

If you are in a relationship with someone who shows narcissistic tendencies, here are a few ways “to win with a narcissist”, as offered by Doug Savage, https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2017/10/how-to-win-with-a-narcissist/:

In your personal life, use “empathy prompts”: Music doesn’t soothe the savage beast, but reminding them about relationships and your feelings can.
Use “We”: It’s just one word but it’s effective with narcissists. (If you can’t manage to do this you’re not paying attention to me. You should pay attention to me. I’m really important.)
Reward Good Behavior: When the puppy behaves, give it a treat.
Contrast good and bad behavior: “Normally when Jim turns in a report late you kick him down a flight of stairs. I thought it was wonderful today when you chose to throw a stapler at him instead.”
Teach them their ABC’s: Mention your affect, their bad behavior, and the correction you’d like to see. This is an advanced Jedi move. Build to this with your Sith Lord, young Padawan.