Be the friend to others, that you wish them to be to you.
Madison Taylor, DailyOM
The opposite is just as important. Choosing a friend takes a certain amount of caution, especially those that evolve into more intimate relationships. We need to make sure the friend we pick is treating us the way we deserve to be treated.
Most if not all relationships go through phases. At some point, we may need to evaluate whether or not the relationship is still working for us.
In a blog post that I wrote in March 2017, “Avoid Energy Vampires”, I talk about the importance of using our five senses to “stay aware of how our relationships either uplift us (energize us) or pull us down (de-energize us)“. If we don’t pay close attention, we may find that a particular relationship is very unhealthy and has already taken its toll.
All human relationships are an exchange of energy between two or more people”.
“Avoid Energy Vampires”
In Psychology Today, Bob Taibbi, LCSW, gives us “10 Questions to Assess the State of Your Relationship”. I have paraphrased just 3 of them here, because most of them only apply to romantic relationships. A link to the full article is shown below.
- Do you argue? If you do, are you able to keep the arguments from getting out of hand? Are you able to circle back and calmly discuss the problem and reach a solution?
- Does each person feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, or does one person tend to be in charge? There may be underlying issues about power. If you feel like you are “walking on eggs” and are anxious about being truthful, that is an indication that the relationship isn’t working well.
- Do you know what your friend is most sensitive to? Everyone has at least one emotional wound and trigger point. The success of the relationship depends on both people knowing what those are and attempting not to trigger bad feelings, while at the same time remaining truthful.
10 Questions to Assess the State of Your Relationship
If we don’t evaluate our relationships, we may be spending precious time with people who do not support and nourish us. We all have a lot to contribute to this world and the best relationships will help us achieve our goals.
What to do.
So, let’s say that you have decided that someone is not the kind of friend that you want. How do you handle that? Here are some guidelines:
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Before taking any step to end the relationship, make sure you have made a good decision
Take whatever time is necessary to assess the overall health of the relationship and consider your role in the dynamics. Perhaps you will find that your friend’s behavior is in reaction to you. Even then, you may not want to change, which is completely up to you. It really is all about you and what you need and want.
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Keep a positive attitude
Perhaps you have let your discontent go on longer than you should have. Is there some way in which you can approach the friendship dynamics from a different perspective? Is it possible that your friend is simply going through a rough patch? Consider making time for doing something together that you both enjoy and see if that helps at all.
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Make sure that you have other friendships
Take the pressure off this relationship a little by spending time with others who may help uplift your spirits. No one person can satisfy all our needs, but perhaps our difficult friendship will improve if we don’t rely on them so much.
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Talk about it
You probably don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, so you find yourself putting up with the way things are until it’s too late to regain your positive feelings towards your friend. Sometimes we can learn a lot just by listening to our friend’s response to an issue before it gets out of hand. If we “own” our responsibility in the dynamic, perhaps the other person won’t react defensively.
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Give up
If you’ve tried everything, you aren’t able to see any improvement, and you are convinced that this is not just a temporary glitch, you may want to consider leaving the friendship in order to protect yourself. A negative relationship can have widespread effects on our mental, emotional, and physical health.
Life, with its many twists, turns, and challenges, is difficult enough without us entertaining people in our inner circle who drain our energy. We can do so much more in this world when we are surrounded by people who understand what we’re trying to do and who positively support our efforts to walk our path.
~ Madison Taylor, DailyOM
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