Narcissists and people pleasers love to rescue others. They are opposite sides of the same coin, in a sense, in a bizarre balancing act that serves neither one for the long term. I only know this because I’ve lived it over and over again. Until I became aware of the dynamic and how it destroyed every close relationship in my life, I couldn’t understand how I was part of the problem.

There is no “good guy” VS “bad guy” here!  Both personality types are equal in the dysfunction they bring to a close friendship or romantic relationship. I admit to being in the “people pleaser” category, but am no less responsible for the outcomes in my relationships than the other person. The difference is that I choose to be a people pleaser, because it seems  “NICER” and I find it easier to be nice. Let’s compare . . . and contrast . . .

The neglect of others (narcissism) is selfish and causes unnecessary distance, confrontation and lack of intimacy. The neglect of self (people pleasing) creates unwanted exhaustion, increased anxiety and also contributes to a lack of intimacy.

~ Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC

One thing both narcissists and people pleasers have in common is the desire to rescue others. The difference is in what motivates them. According Christine Hammond, “Narcissists gain a sense of superiority from saving others, because they were able to solve something the other person could not do on their own. In exchange for the help narcissists demand unending loyalty.”

She goes on to say that people pleasers gain a natural high from the same situation, because they love to feel needed. “This strokes their ego and impression of self as a selfless person. In exchange, people pleasers expect friendship.” What they are both seeking is admiration and control.

The biggest mistake that both personality types make is confusing the attention, admiration, and even affection they receive as LOVE. It is not, because true love requires INTIMACY, which can only happen when both people are willing to be transparent. 

Both want control. The narcissist controls through demands, manipulation, and often abuse. In contrast the people pleaser takes on a disguise. They don’t want to be seen as aggressive or assertive, so they control instead through guilt trips and passive/agressive behavior. They want to be liked by everyone.

Do you tend to be more like the narcissist or more like the people pleaser? I freely admit that I am a recovering people  pleaser. There it is. I’ve said it, and I will follow this up with evidence in the next blog.

Suffice it to say at this point that in every case, the “dance” of the narcissist and the people pleaser is not only unhealthy, but can be downright dangerous! More on that soon. as well as suggested antidotes.

Thank you for your responses to these thoughts and ideas. Please feel free to SHARE!

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Be the friend to others, that you wish them to be to you.

Madison Taylor, DailyOM

The opposite is just as important. Choosing a friend takes a certain amount of caution, especially those that evolve into more intimate relationships. We need to make sure the friend we pick is treating us the way we deserve to be treated.

Most if not all relationships go through phases. At some point, we may need to evaluate whether or not the relationship is still working for us.

In a blog post that I wrote in March 2017, “Avoid Energy Vampires”, I talk about the importance of using our five senses to “stay aware of how our relationships either uplift us (energize us) or pull us down (de-energize us)“.  If we don’t pay close attention, we may find that a particular relationship is very unhealthy and has already taken its toll.

All  human relationships are an exchange of energy between two or more people”.

“Avoid Energy Vampires”

In Psychology Today, Bob Taibbi, LCSW, gives us “10 Questions to Assess the State of Your Relationship”. I have paraphrased just 3 of them here, because most of them only apply to romantic relationships. A link to the full article is shown below.

1. Do you argue? If you do, are you able to keep the arguments from getting out of hand? Are you able to circle back and calmly discuss the problem and reach a solution?
2. Does each person feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, or does one person tend to be in charge? There may be underlying issues about power. If you feel like you are “walking on eggs” and are anxious about being truthful, that is an indication that the relationship isn’t working well.
3. Do you know what your friend is most sensitive to? Everyone has at least one emotional wound and trigger point. The success of the relationship depends on both people knowing what those are and attempting not to trigger bad feelings, while at the same time remaining truthful. 

10 Questions to Assess the State of Your Relationship

If we don’t evaluate our relationships, we may be spending precious time with people who do not support and nourish us. We all have a lot to contribute to this world and the best relationships will help us achieve our goals.

What to do.

So, let’s say that you have decided that someone is not the kind of friend that you want. How do you handle that? Here are some guidelines:

• Before taking any step to end the relationship, make sure you have made a good decision

Take whatever time is necessary to assess the overall health of the relationship and consider your role in the dynamics. Perhaps you will find that your friend’s behavior is in reaction to you. Even then, you may not want to change, which is completely up to you. It really is all about you and what you need and want.

• Keep a positive attitude

Perhaps you have let your discontent go on longer than you should have. Is there some way in which you can approach  the friendship dynamics from a different perspective? Is it possible that your friend is simply going through a rough patch? Consider making time for doing something together that you both enjoy and see if that helps at all. 

• Make sure that you have other friendships

Take the pressure off this relationship a little by spending time with others who may help uplift your spirits. No one person can satisfy all our needs, but perhaps our difficult friendship will improve if we don’t rely on them so much.

• Talk about it

You probably don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, so you find yourself putting up with the way things are until it’s too late to regain your positive feelings towards your friend. Sometimes we can learn a lot just by listening to our friend’s response to an issue before it gets out of hand. If we “own” our responsibility in the dynamic, perhaps the other person won’t react defensively.

• Give up 

If you’ve tried everything, you aren’t able to see any improvement, and you are convinced that this is not just a temporary glitch, you may want to consider leaving the friendship in order to protect yourself. A negative relationship can have widespread effects on our mental, emotional, and physical health. 

Life, with its many twists, turns, and challenges, is difficult enough without us entertaining people in our inner circle who drain our energy. We can do so much more in this world when we are surrounded by people who understand what we’re trying to do and who positively support our efforts to walk our path. 

~  Madison Taylor, DailyOM

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All Aretha Franklin wanted from her man was a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. But what did she mean by that?

Respect is not that easy to define out of context. We can easily give examples of when respect is absent, but it’s not nearly so easy to define in our daily interactions with people. The definition from the Merrium-Webster dictionary is “high or special regard: ESTEEM”.

According to the Council on Quality and Leadership (CQL), we learn the basic requirements of “paying respect”, like sharing with others, saying “please” and “thank you” and “you’re welcome”, but beyond that:

Respect is individually defined for each person through personal experience. Our personal definitions of respect are influenced by our personality, emotions, preferences, and cultural context.”

RESPECT: What does it really mean?

Life teaches us a lot about respect as we encounter more and more situations and people. We learn to be cautious in our expectations based only on our perspective. In order for “mutual respect” to be possible, we must not judge other people according to our standards alone. We must try to understand another person’s perspective. The best tool for that is dialogue.

Because humans are prone to making mistakes, respect is something we have to practice regularly, perhaps giving ourselves or someone else the “benefit of the doubt.” CQL offers us three beliefs that, if we can commit to them, will help us give the respect to everyone that they deserve:

1. Everything we do, say, and provide to others makes a statement about our regard for them.
2. Respectful interactions do not draw undue or negative attentions to a person’s difference or disability.
3. Demonstrating concern and support for individual difference sets the stage for communicating our respect for them.

Can you commit to those beliefs? Are there other beliefs that are necessary?

We have been exploring the pillars of creating good relationships. Respect is one of those pillars. What are the supports for those pillars? Honesty is one characteristic or quality that I believe supports our ability to respect someone and for them to respect us.But there are several others, according to an article on entrepreneur.com:

• Be polite
• Act respectfully
• Listen well
• Be helpful
• Don’t make excuses
• Let go of anger
• Be willing to change

The 7 Qualities of People Who Are Highly Respected

I talked about TRUST as another pillar of a good relationship. I think trust and respect go hand-in-hand. I guess it’s possible to respect someone even if you don’t trust them, but the intimacy that can be achieved in the relationship may be severely limited. Trusting someone that you do not respect, on the other hand, seems next to impossible in my opinion.

Friendship – my definition – is built on two things. Respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don’t have trust, the friendship will crumble. ~ Steig Larsson

What are your thoughts? Share below or send an email to me at pamela@authenticlifecoach.net.

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Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there’s no reason to continue.”

~  ME.ME Market

In every relationship, trust is an essential ingredient. That goes for relationships with family, friends, co-workers, organizations, etc.  A relationship that is missing that ingredient is like a house with a ceiling, but no walls or foundation.

Trust means trusting yourself and trusting others. Lack of trust in a relationship with another is the main reason relationships fall apart. Lack of trust in yourself may cause you to doubt yourself, hang onto negative memories of “bad” decisions, and not listen to our own knowing. 

TRUSTING YOURSELF

How much do you trust yourself? It’s not uncommon to lack self-trust. As I mentioned in the last article, we are our own harshest critics. Don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself because that’s how you can begin to consciously choose to change something.

Mike Robbins in his article titled, “The Importance of Self-Trust”, gives us some suggestions to improve our ability to trust ourselves:

• Listen to your inner wisdom – be willing to practice listening to your intuition (gut instincts) and begin following its advice
• Be willing to take risks, go for it, and make mistakes 
• Forgive yourself for mistakes you’ve made, pain you’ve caused, or regrets you have

He suggests that we “act as if” we fully trust ourselves in this moment with an important issue, see what ideas come up through our inner wisdom, and allow ourselves to take a risk.

I bet if you listen to your inner wisdom, allow yourself to take a risk, and know that you can forgive yourself no matter what happens – the answer to the question “what should I do?” in this situation is quite clear.

TRUSTING OTHERS

Trust is created over time and, if destroyed, is often gone forever. 

PIVOT, “a relational alignment group”, gives us 5 reasons why trust is important in relationships:

1. Trust gives reassurance
2. Trust helps to heal hurts
3. You cannot love without trust
4. Trust helps overcome obstacles
5. Trust helps you give your partner room

How do we know that we have trust in our relationships. PIVOT offers some signs to know whether or not you have trust in your relationships.. Here are a few of those: 

• Open Conversations – you are both willing to let your guard down 
• You can maintain eye contact while talking
• Active listening
• Admitting mistakes
• Comfortable and confident
• You can efficiently resolve conflict

Here is the website link to read the full article: https://www.lovetopivot.com/the-importance-of-trust-in-a-relationship

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The relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship of all.

Welcome back to the series on relationships! If you are just “tuning in”, this is actually the 3rd article on the subject. Here are the links to the first two:

RELATIONSHIPS MATTER – Introduction to the Series

Loving Without Conditions – Part 1 in the Series, RELATIONSHIPS MATTER

In Part 1, “Loving Without Conditions”, I wrote that in order to love another person unconditionally, you must first love yourself unconditionally. So, let’s spend some time looking at this concept before launching off into something else.

Why is loving yourself so important? Isn’t it enough to have other people love you? In order to have a feeling of self-worth, you must love yourself. There is no substitute for that. How will you be able to believe that someone else loves you unless you love yourself?

So, what’s it like to love yourself? Here are three thought on that:

1. You have more self-confidence and are happier.
2. You no longer need to compare yourself to others and are less likely to care about what others think of you.
3. You are more likely to attract people who love you when you love yourself.

In The Law of Attraction Love Tool Kit (http://www.thelawofattraction.com/love-yourself/), you will find 15 self-love tips to “discover how to love yourself and own your confidence.” The most important ones, in my opinion are the following:

• Forgive yourself for your mistakes
• Learn how to love yourself by saying “no” to others
• Give yourself a break
• Work on your self-trust
• Take care of yourself

Naturally, you are your own strongest critic, so self-love is not easy! Take it a day at a time and treat yourself the way you would treat another person in your life that you love and respect. Acknowledge right here and now that you are absolutely the most important person in the world. 

Your entire life is lived through your eyes. Your interactions with the world and those around you, your thoughts and how you interpret events, relationships, actions, and words.

You might just be another person when it comes to the grand scheme of things, but when it comes to your understanding of reality, you are the only thing that matters.

~Lachlan Brown

HackSpirit.com

Trust and respect are the cornerstones of love, and that applies to self-love, too. Give yourself a break, as noted above, but don’t let yourself get off the hook either. You can’t trust and respect yourself if you are not being honest with yourself.

One tool that can be helpful is to regularly write in a journal. Write as if you are writing to yourself. Maybe give yourself a nickname. When I first started keeping a journal, I began with “Dear Sam” (rhymes with my real name). I was able to then create some separation that allowed me to get clearer on what was going on and make a plan to change anything that wasn’t working.

Lachlan Brown (quoted above) suggests some writing prompts to get you started on journaling:

1) What are the three personality traits you love most about yourself?
2) If your body had the ability to talk, what would it say?
3) What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Why is it happiest when I’m ___
6) Between great, good, fine and bad my mental health is ___. I believe this is because ____ .
7) Between great, good, fine and bad my physical health is ___ . I believe this is because ___ .
8) Who are you loved by most? Describe them and what you love about them.
9) Make a list of 20 things that make you happy.
10) What are 10 things you can start doing to take better care of yourself?
11) What are the common negative things you say to yourself? What can you say instead?
12) What qualities make you unique?
13) List the favorite parts of your appearance.
14) Where do you feel most safe and loved?
15) If you could back in time to when you were 15, what would you tell yourself?

You may have made the mistake, as I have, of focusing on others so much that you have “lost” yourself. If you take some time and make an effort now to become your own best friend, the rest of your life will be better. You may find out who you really are, what you are passionate about, and even what your purpose is.

Please leave your comments below and forward this email to anyone you think would benefit from it. And share it on your social media sites, as well. 

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Unconditional love is the active choice to love someone no matter what may come your way…. In unconditional love, satisfaction comes from putting someone else first and prioritizing their health and happiness with no expectation of reward for yourself.”

Nadine Kalinauskas, E-Harmony Article

Love given without any conditions…. none. How do you know if you’ve found it? How do you know if you can give it? How do you know if it is even possible?

There is the love of a parent for a child, but not every parent is good at giving love, especially in the absence of expectations. I was lucky to feel unconditional love from my mother, but not necessarily from my father. 

In the area of loving another person, experts agree that unless you first practice unconditional love with yourself, it is not possible to achieve unconditional love with another person. You first need to know that you are worthy of love, see value in yourself, and not need to be dependent on another person for your sense of self-worth. An exception to that might be the unconditional love that we feel coming from a parent or a higher power.

If you skip the step of first cultivating unconditional self-love, you run the risk of staying in relationship with a person who is abusive. Unconditional love should never be an excuse to stay in an unhealthy relationship. I used to be “guilty” of getting into unhealthy relationships and staying too long, hoping that with time and my determination, things would get better. It always got worse rather than better, unfortunately, so I speak from experience!

In the article referenced above by Nadine Kalinauskas, she identifies 32 ways to know if you have found unconditional love. Follow the link to the article if you want to read about all of them. The key ones I want to mention here are:

• You can tell each other the truth — even when it’s uncomfortable.

• You can forgive each other freely.

• You don’t pick fights about petty things or hold grudges. Even when arguing, you respect each other and aim for a healthy resolution.

• Your partner encourages and inspires you to be the best version of yourself.

• You both value communication and consider the relationship’s health a priority.

• You feel safe. You feel “at home” when you’re with your partner.

How about you? Are you capable of loving someone without having expectations?

Is there a difference between “unconditional love” and “unconditional relationships”? If so, what is the difference?

Jeremy Nicholson, MSW, Ph.D (AKA: “The Attraction Doctor”) tells us that there is a difference between the two. He says,

For those who place love above all, there is little distinction between these two concepts . . . However, for those who equally value working partnerships with love, there is a wide distinction between the two concepts. Love can be felt unconditionally, while still maintaining conditional requirements for the partnership.”

In this way, he says we can truly enjoy unconditional love and develop healthy relationships. Love is an emotion and may be unconditional. No matter what someone does, we continue loving them. But that doesn’t mean we don’t set boundaries. How we choose to relate to one another may change despite the continuance of a love that has no boundary. He advises his readers to know before you even begin dating someone whether you are ready for “unconditional love” or an “unconditional relationship”.

Here is a link to read the full article: Do You Believe in Unconditional Love? 

You may have love relationships that are 100% unconditional. At the same time, you may have other relationships in which you choose to place conditions on how you interact with each other, while still continuing to love one another. For example, you may unconditionally love someone but decide that you do not want to live with them. Can you identify which is which?

I came across an article with some examples of unconditional love, which the author identifies as “healthy”. These 5 examples are titled:

1. Letting your guard down –  feeling safe enough to be yourself, flaws and all

2. Leaning on someone when you’re struggling – being confident that our partner will hold space for us to ask for support, without feeling guilty, ashamed, or insecure for needing help

3. Admitting when you’ve hurt your partner – feeling comfortable enough to tell them when we have made a mistake, without fearing that they will hold it against us

4. Telling your S.O. when you’re scared – being able to admit that we are afraid of something, trusting that we can reveal this secret vulnerability without risk of losing their love

5. Having the ability to empathize – listening with empathy, even if you don’t understand or agree with what they are saying

By Alysha Jeney, “The Modern Love Box”

Now it’s your turn . . . Have you experienced unconditional love? How would you describe it?

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Relationships … the source of many conflicting emotions. Is it worth it?

We have healthy relationships and we have unhealthy relationships. ALL relationships can help us grow, but healthy relationships are what we aspire to have, of course. But, what does a healthy relationship look like?

In an article on the website of Northwestern Medicine, the author lists some tendencies of people who are experiencing a positive relationship. They tend to:

• Listen to each other
• Communicate openly and without judgment
• Trust and respect each other
• Consistently make time for each other
• Remember details about each other’s lives
• Engage in healthy activities together

The author also discusses 5 benefits of having healthy relationships:

1. Less Stress
2. Better Healing 
3. Healthier Behaviors
4. Greater Sense of Purpose
5. Longer Life

To read more about those benefits, here’s the URL:  https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/5-benefits-of-healthy-relationship

We are biologically programmed to form close bonds from the day we are born. We are hardwired to try to connect with others, even if we don’t understand the benefits of it. We learn and grow through relationships. But if we are going through a hard time, we often tend to withdraw.

In this series of blogs, I will be sharing what I have learned and continue learning about being in relationship and why it’s so important. The advantages of a good relationship are outlined above. We will be looking at those attributes more closely, but we also benefit from understanding what goes on in an unhealthy relationship, so that we can avoid what is obviously not to our benefit. In a website I found called UWire for College Students, there’s an article on why relationships matter. In it, the author describes some ways in which unhealthy relationships can harm us. These include:

• It can hurt your physical health.
• It can hurt your psychological well-being.
• It can make it harder to succeed.
• It can be harmful for your children.

The only way we can really discern whether or not a relationship is healthy is through self-reflection. We need to become consciously aware of what’s going on and then act to make necessary changes, if needed. With good communication, some relationships can improve, but when should we walk away? That’s one of the topics we will be exploring in this series. When all is said and done, what will have mattered in your life?

When you are in the final days of life, what will you want? Will you hug that college degree in the walnut frame? Will you ask to be carried to the garage so you can sit in your car? Will you find comfort in re-reading your financial statement? Of course not. What will matter then will be people. If relationships will matter most then, shouldn’t they matter most now?”

~ Max Lucado

Relationships matter!

Comments? Questions? Please post your response below.

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In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.”

~ Deepak Chopra

What is your banana?

There is a way of catching monkeys in Asia that takes advantage of the monkey’s obsession with holding on. A coconut is hollowed out and a small hole is drilled in it just big enough for a monkey’s open hand to slip in, but the monkey’s clenched fist can’t pass through. A banana, or some other tempting food item, is placed inside the coconut, which is tethered to a tree, so it can’t be moved. When the monkey reaches it’s hand through the hole to grab the food in its fist, it can’t escape unless it lets go of the food. The monkeys are easily captured this way even though they could escape if they were just to let go. 

We have a tendency to try holding on to those things that we want and, at the same time, become obsessed about avoiding those things we don’t want. In the practice of Mindfulness, we are taught: :

• to let go of those things we want and
• to approach those things we want to avoid

In so doing, we can appreciate the present moment more.

We have been talking about mindfulness and the attitudes that will enhance our ability to be more mindful. To reiterate the theme over the last 7 blogs, the main benefit of being mindful is that we simply see things as they are, accept ourselves for who we are, and are available for what is happening now, rather than living in the past or the future. The first 6 pillars or attitudes covered in the previous articles are:

1. Non-Judging

2. Patience

3. Beginner’s Mind

4. Trust

5. Non-Striving

6. Acceptance

And to read the introductory article, just click on the image above. 

We can help ourselves by becoming more mindful. It makes no sense (to me) not to do that. Greater happiness is the result.

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Acceptance is being in the moment without necessarily agreeing with it. It’s about facing reality rather than trying to control it.”

We have been talking about mindfulness, why it matters, and what mental attitudes allow us to cultivate it. So far, we have covered non-judging, patience, beginner’s mind, trust, and non-striving. This attitude – acceptance – is very important if you want to succeed at being more mindful.

People say things like, “It is what it is”,  or “Life is life”. Those phrases, in a coarse manner, summarize the attitude of acceptance. Acceptance may seem passive, but it is anything but! It takes a great deal of effort sometimes to accept the challenges we run up against in life. Often we spend a lot of time and effort resisting or avoiding what’s going on. Perhaps rather than deal with the pain of abandonment, we instead eat an entire box of cookies! Having a beer eases the stress of the day, but doesn’t get at the source of that stress. One beer will become two, three, or four as we continue trying to mask our feelings and not deal with reality. 

Megan Bruneau, a Psychotherapist and Executive Coach, tells us five things that we need to know about acceptance:

1. Acceptance does not mean liking, wanting, choosing or supporting. 
2. Acceptance is an active process. It must be practiced.
3. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you can’t work on changing things.
4. Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re accepting is going to be that way forever.
5. We can practice acceptance toward our experience, people, appearance, emotions, ideas, and more.

A friend I grew up with had a mother who was mentally ill. Because my friend (“Sheri”) was the oldest of 5 siblings in the family, she had to step in often to protect the younger children from their mother’s attacks. As soon as she could leave home, Sheri did so, not wanting to ever see her mother again. I couldn’t blame her one bit, but I saw how that decision could not change the past, and it made the present and future miserable for my friend, as well. 

Eventually, Sheri sought out counseling and was told that perhaps she would need to just “accept” that her mother would always be mentally ill, and that if she wanted to have any sort of a relationship with her mother, she would have to be the one who would adapt. At first Sheri angrily refused to give in to that attitude of acceptance, and persisted in her feelings of resentment.

Then one day, Sheri’s mother attempted suicide and nearly succeeded. Sheri began to realize that her mother was suffering greatly from her illness and that whatever she – Sheri – could do, it was time to take some sort of action. Before she could put a lot of energy or effort into helping her mother, though, Sheri had to first accept that her mother was who she was and no amount of resisting that would change the reality. Sheri instead decided to quit resisting the truth of the matter and found that it felt like a burden was lifted.

Sheri knew that her mother would never be able to change, so she decided to change herself instead. The possibility of her mother eventually succeeding at suicide made Sheri realize that she could no longer stand by, holding onto resentment. She would cause herself greater pain by doing nothing. Sheri wasn’t grateful for her mother, but she was grateful that she had a mother, and wanted to do whatever she could to help her. One of the most well-known sayings from the Buddhist tradition is a formula for suffering. It goes like this:

SUFFERING = PAIN x RESISTANCE

The more she resisted (didn’t accept), the more she would suffer.

Have you dealt with a situation similar to my friend’s, where you ended up accepting something you could not change, knowing that the suffering would be greater if you did not? If you feel inclined to share your experience here, I know you would find that all of us have similar experiences and have decided to adapt and learn acceptance. It doesn’t come naturally, so give yourself a pat on the back and encouragement for being so very brave!

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Almost everything we do, we do for a purpose, to get something or somewhere. In contrast, the essence of mindfulness is BEING vs. DOING. When we are striving, we are living in the past and the future. When we are non-striving, we live in the present moment.

Why push so hard

Why keep your head down

Why sprint when you can run or jog

There is a world out there calling for your attention

Moments longing to be loved

Tasks longing to be attended to

Skies longing to be gazed at

Leaves yearning to be crunched

This openness allows the world in

There for the taking

Moment by moment

And breath by breath

“Moment by Moment” – Ruth Farenga

We are not born with a need to strive. Though it is in our nature as a universal being to want to do more, be more, and have more, that instinct is not under pressure until we are taught at a very young age that we should strive to be better, to achieve, to get somewhere else. That sense of needing to strive is different from the desire to become more of who we truly are.

We are talking in this series about cultivating mindfulness and the benefits of doing that. The best way to cultivate mindfulness is through a mindfulness meditation practice. So far we have looked at:

• Non-Judging,
• Patience,
• Beginner’s Mind, and
• Trust

Non-striving is the 5th point of view or pillar of this practice. It is one of seven ways that we can support our effort to cultivate mindfulness. All seven of these are integrated and form the “infrastructure” needed to support us. While striving is helpful in our daily life in this world of duality, it is not helpful in a meditation process. The essence of this shift of perceptions and attitudes is that we emphasize being rather than doing.

Non-striving means that we don’t try to change anything! We simply see things as they are, accept ourselves for who we are, and are available for what is happening now. We set aside our goals and just practice this way of seeing the world with acceptance, which leads us toward our next pillar, which is acceptance.

The more you strive and search for happiness, the more you overlook the possibility that it is here already.”

Robert Holden, “Be Happy”

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