HAPPY NEW YEAR!  You’ve probably been hearing that from friends, family, and acquaintances for a few days now. Does the calendar change to a new year excite you, challenge you, make you angry, or intimidate you? Those reactions are all legitimate, by the way!

I would encourage you to have an authentic response to the new year, no matter what the expectations are. Personally, I dislike the word “resolution”, because there is a negative aspect to it. If you resolve to do something and you quit or you “fail”, are you then a failure, resulting in a fear of ever making a resolution again? I prefer the word “intention” — a kinder, gentler way of stating what you want to change or have happen. A year ago I wrote an article titled, “Declaring Our Intentions”, that goes into this subject in more detail, in case you are interested.

Declaring Our Intentions

For this new year – 2020 – I would like to suggest some ways that you can explore your own need and/or desire to make changes. It’s a lot about figuring out what you want less of in your life and what you want more of! Often we pick resolutions based on what we think we should do. And it’s not really surprising that we don’t stick to these resolutions. Below are some suggestions you can consider, journal about, and reflect on:

• Pick a word to guide your actions in 2020. Examples might be “courage” or “integrity”. How will you align yourself in your actions and behaviors with this word?

• Consider doing “less” rather than “more” of something. What has been the most draining for you in the past? Do you want to stop doing this or decrease your effort or energy around it?

• What would you like to learn about yourself in 2020?

• What memories do you want to create?

• What replenishes your energy? Which of these will you commit to doing in 2020?

• What resources do you already have in place to assist you in reaching your goals? What resources, if any, do you need?

• Name one goal you have and break it down into incremental steps (baby steps) needed to fulfill it. 

• Make a daily habit of writing down at least 1 thing you are grateful on a piece of paper. Save all of these graatitude notes in a “Gratitude Jar” that you can read when you need some encouragement.

• Reflect on your relationship with yourself. What aspects of yourself would you like to strengthen? Perhaps it is becoming more forgiving, more patient, more compassionate. Determine if you need help to do that and get the help.

• Imagine that you are 80 years old. What will you wish you had done more or less of?

• Improve your self talk. List things you want to believe about yourself or manifest in your life. Write them down as if they are happening right now. Read them out loud every day. An example might be, “I am whole and complete just the way I am.”

• Create a collage of words and images (a vision borad) that represents your intentions for the coming year. Hang it in a prominent place and reflect on it daily. 

And now, a beautiful guided meditation to help you on your way!

Happy 2020!   May the coming year be the best you’ve ever experienced.

Namasté

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Winter allows us to feed the flame in our own centers by reading or researching to nourish our dreams and plans for the future.

~ Madison Taylor, DailyOM

As we wait for the greening of the Spring Season, we can focus inward, confident that Nature will continue its work without us. We have an important mission, using the time indoors to stoke our inner flame. We have time to nurture ourselves and give attention to our dreams and plans for the future, unhindered by the distractions of the outside world. Like the flame that burns in our fireplace, there is a fire burning within each of us — the flame of life.

For many, the Winter Solstice is a spiritual experience, but we don’t need to embrace the spiritual aspect of this time of inner discovery to make it meaningful and find inspiration. Nature does that for us. All around us we see evidence of the cycle of life. We needn’t be afraid of it. Every cycle ends when it’s time for a new one to begin. Like the increasing daylight, we awake to new insights. We discover new perspectives.

We prepare for the coming year, while also simultaneously acknowledging the past. We can surrender to the darkness while still celebrating the return of the light, by releasing what no longer serves us. For example, self-doubt and negative self talk can be replaced with the anticipation of a “rebirth” and renewal.

What are you ready to release? What habits and patterns are holding you back? Is someone or something weighing you down?  Enjoy the beautiful thoughts expressed below by Suzy Kassem:

We awaken by asking the right questions. We awaken when we see knowledge being spread that goes against our own personal experiences. We awaken when we see popular opinion being wrong but accepted as being right, and what is right being pushed as being wrong. We awaken by seeking answers in corners that are not popular. And we awaken by turning on the light inside when everything outside feels dark.”

― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

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Benjamin Franklin once famously said:

The Constitution only guarantees you the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself!

I happened to be in the Seattle (Bellevue) area in August to visit a friend, and we attended the East Shore Unitarian Church together. A retired minister, Bruce A. Bode, gave a talk titled, “Do You Like Your Life?“. The way it was delivered and the things he said were inspiring, so I’ve been thinking about sharing some of his thoughts ever since with you. It fits in, I think, with my favorite theme for the Holidays, which is gratitude.

Rev. Bode took us on a journey exploring the question, “Do You Like Your Life?”, from various angles. The journey took us into 8 different “rooms” of reality, each one representing a different way of answering the question. In the first room he explored whether liking your life is an important question to be asking. He ruminates:

• Does it really matter whether or not I like my life?
• What does liking my life have to do with how I should live my life?
• Is there any other form of nature around me that is concerned about whether or not it likes it life? 

In the remaining 7 “rooms”, he explores much more and offers some valuable advice on the way:

1. We owe it to ourselves and those we care about to devote at least a little time for ourselves and no one else and do something that has no other aim than that we take pleasure in it.
2. The way to cultivate our own happiness is to keep our minds on those moments when we are the most alive, noticing what it is that makes us happy and when we feel the most alive. Then stay with it, no matter what other people tell you.
3. Don’t “comparison shop” in order to find happiness for yourself.
4. Take a step in the direction that you know you need to be going, even if it be the tiniest baby step, because sometimes the wall is just waiting to come down.
5. Accept that sometimes there are no solutions and you must live as happily as you can without the answers you seek. Admit it and say it to yourself and others, so they can help you carry the burden.
6. Don’t give up! It’s never too late to find a greater depth of meaning and value in life.

To read the full sermon with all the stories and examples that Rev. Bode gives to bring this advice to life, click on the link below. I’m sure he would be happy that I shared this with you.

https://esuc.org/services/do-you-like-your-life/

Mary Oliver has a marvelous poem, with which some of you may be familiar, about moving out in the direction that you know you need to be going. It’s titled, “The Journey.” Listen to this wonderful reading of it from Youtube.

I probably haven’t really answered the question, “Is Happiness an Illusion?“. Think about it this way, happiness is a choice. Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstances.

Stay tuned for more on this illusive, indefinable quality of life called “happiness”.

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Until next time, enjoy a blessed Holiday Season!

Stress and depression can ruin your holidays and hurt your health. Being realistic, planning ahead and seeking support can help ward off stress and depression.

By Mayo Clinic Staff

“Being Fearless” when it comes to the Holidays means taking control!  The Mayo Clinic offers some tips to help you do that (see below). “Tis the Season to Be Fearless” (album cover art above) is a Holiday-themed compilation by Fearless Records from 2010. Somehow the idea of being fearless in the face of the Holidays appealed to me and addressed the topic of stress and depression during this time of year. We are all at risk of becoming stressed out and even depressed nowadays! Why is that and what do we do about it?

Many of us had “jolly holidays” growing up. It was easy! We got time off from school, received presents, ate good food and sugary treats, and had friends and family over. Needless to say, as adults the charm began to wear off. We began to feel a sense of loss which many of us tried to overcome by “faking it”.

Certainly, there is still much to enjoy about the Holidays, but the thin line between choice and obligation gets pretty blurry, we tend to try too hard, get worn out, and feel inadequate and even guilty. Circumstances over which we have no control seem to own us. We find it necessary to do things we wouldn’t otherwise do, like:

• spending too much money
• eating too much rich food
• attending events that we dread
• trying too hard to make sure everyone has a good time
• attempting to discover just the right gift to give to each person on that long, long list

Furthermore, we are loaded up on expectations of how it SHOULD BE, how we SHOULD FEEL. What could possibly go wrong when we set ourselves up like that? Are we a victim of our circumstances? Do we NEED to put ourselves under so much pressure? In one word . . . NO! But how do we take control and manage what’s going on around us?

First of all, it isn’t about taking control of and managing what’s going on around us. It’s about taking control of ourselves, so that we can better handle the pressure. As I mentioned above, The Mayo Clinic offers some words of advice. Here is their list of tips titled, Stress, depression and the holidays: Tips for coping

1. Acknowledge your feelings

2. Reach out

3. Be realistic

4. Set aside differences

5. Stick to a budget

6. Plan ahead

7. Learn to say no

8. Don’t abandon healthy habits

9. Take a breather

10. Seek professional help, if you need it

In particular, acknowledging your feelings is important, but don’t just acknowledge them … accept them. You are not a victim of circumstances unless you choose to be. You are the architect of your own life.

Don’t judge yourself and don’t judge others. Remember that many of us are struggling and often can’t find our way out of the trap we’ve set for ourselves.

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You can choose to let life shape you into something beautiful.  Similarly, let the hardships you do encounter become your stepping stones.

Mandi Hart, FearLess

The first two parts of this series — Overcoming Fear, Doubt & Worry — have taken us on a journey from understanding the origins of fear Overcoming Fear, Doubt & Worry – the Introduction to being able to control that fear by not giving energy to it, not allowing it to determine our choices in Do Not Feed Your Fear.  Now we will look at strategies we can use to actually not just overcome fear, but turn it into a stepping stone to something better.

Stepping Stone: An advantageous position for advancement toward some goal; something that assists an ambition

Even the fastest marathon runner has to start at the beginning — by learning to walk!

Taking those first tentative steps is scary!  But every child has a mission and the determination to succeed. Babies don’t give up. They don’t tell themselves, “That’s it! I guess I’m just not made to be a walker.” Instead they learn from their mistakes and gradually get better and better at walking, until they can even begin to run. Their environment is encouraging them. “Bigger people can walk and those bigger people are cheering me on. I’ve got this!”

When fears come up for you, first ask whether the fear is generated from your environment or from within YOU. Certainly, there are times and situations that can be dangerous and even life-threatenting, but the types of fears that come from WITHIN US are created BY US, and those fears can be overcome.

The fears that come from within us are very likely holding us back from living the life we want to live. That type of fear, no matter how rational it may seem, simply isn’t REAL and cannot control us unless we let it.

The truth is that the fears that you and I experience are opportunities for self-discovery and self-growth. Yogi Bhajan once said, “You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” We all have the power to overcome our manufactured fears. We just need to believe that and act accordingly.

Transforming fear into a stepping stone can be achieved in four simple steps. Notice that I did not say easy steps. Change is never easy but it can be relatively simple.

1. PAUSE, LOOK WITHIN & CHANGE YOUR THINKING

2. CONSIDER ALL THE OPTIONS

3. TAKE ACTION

4. ACKNOWLEDGE AND CELEBRATE YOUR SUCCESS

Let’s break those four big steps down into several “baby steps” to make them more achievable. 

PAUSE, LOOK WITHIN & CHANGE YOUR THINKING

Rather than immediately reacting to the fearful thought, hit a virtual “pause button”, take a deep breath and do some reverse engineering. In the first part of this series, I shared the process we use to interact with our environment. It doesn’t hurt to repeat this.

You have a thought generated from within but often in reaction to something in your environment. That thought evolves into an image, which then generates emotions. Those emotions result in actions.

If you have an adverse thought or “gut instinct” that results in you feeling nervous, anxious, or afraid, it’s worth the time and effort to look below the surface. Is your fear real or self-induced?

Let’s say you are getting ready to go on a first date with someone you recently met. All of a sudden, you begin to panic. “What if that person doesn’t like me?” “What if I say something stupid or trip over my own feet?”

We likely have had experiences in the past that haven’t turned out well for us, so we began to load ourselves up with negative thinking. The possible recurrence of those experiences is what we fear, not the future.

See if you can turn the negative, self-limiting thought into an empowering thought. “What if that person doesn’t like me” might be transformed into something like, “A lot of people like me. It’s very possible that this person will like me, too.” 

CONSIDER ALL THE OPTIONS

Sure, you can give into your fear of this first date by “calling in sick” or simply not showing up. That is an option. But there are consequences for every action we take. Come up with a list of several options and then analyze them using a “pro vs. con” process. You may find that the pros win out, meaning that you will feel the fear but will take the chance anyway.

TAKE ACTION

Actually follow through. Take the first step (finish getting ready) and then the next step (walk out the door) and then the next step (getting in your car and driving), until you’ve built up enough momentum to continue going forward without quite as much fear.

ACKNOWLEDGE AND CELEBRATE YOUR SUCCESS

Don’t underestimate the important step(s) you took to move ahead despite your fear. That took courage and will help you keep moving forward the rest of your life. You now know the process to turn your fears into stepping stones. That process can be used over and over again.

Practice, practice, practice! Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “Do something every day that scares you!”

Finally, here are some examples of “stepping stones” that may also double as “healing stones”:

 

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover.

~  Mark Twain

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There was an American Indian boy, who had reached the age of entering into adulthood. He was told if was ready, he would be tested. The test would be a Vision Quest in which he would go out into the wilderness alone for 3 nights and 3 days. If he lasted the 3 days and made it back alive, his accomplishment would be celebrated and he would be considered a young adult with more privileges. 

The boy was eager to go on the Vision Quest, but also very afraid. He had never ventured very far from the tribe and certainly not by himslef overnight. After a few days of not knowing whether or not he was ready, he went to the Chief and told him that he was confused. “I have a battle go

ing on inside of me. One part of me says I’m ready to go on the quest, the other part says I am not ready.”

The Chief responded, “Trust the part of you that says you are ready.” 

Uncertain, the boy asked, “How do you know that?”

The Chief replied, “Because that is the one you will feed! Starve the other part of you by paying no attention to it.”

In the last blog I posted, I introduced you to the subject of fear and noted that our thoughts are what start us on the path of feeling fear and making choices based on that. Overcoming Fear, Doubt & Worry – the INTRODUCTION

If you haven’t read that, it would help you to understand this blog to do so.

Like the Indian Brave, we all want to grow and become better, but it can be scary. Try to remember that everything you’ve ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone. 

Fear is really just the border of the reality we have known. What is outside what’s familiar is beyond that border, like the next part of the road that is beyond the headlights.

 

Everything you’ve ever wanted is one step outside your comfort zone.

One of the most prevalent fears of all is the fear of failure.

Thomas Edison, inventor of the incandescent light bulb, said:

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Thomas Edison

He realized that in order to succeed, he had to eliminate anything that wouldn’t lead him in the right direction. To him, all “failures” were actually just feedback. He wouldn’t give up his dream! Fear can be changed into a stepping stone using the right strategies. What are those strategies?

Stay tuned, because that is the subject of the next blog. We will be looking at common fears that many people have (maybe even you) and some strategies to overcome them.

Any questions or comments? They are very welcome.

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No matter where the fear came from, we can create new connections by choosing new thoughts.

My apologies! I hadn’t realized how long it had been since my last blog! Life — as they say — has gotten in the way. It’s mostly all good but very time and attention consuming. Like getting married, having out-of-town guests, having eye surgery, working on the 6-session course I’m creating. Blah – blah – blah. Anyway, I am now back and hope to begin my regular schedule of blogs, which is once a week. But, don’t hold me to it!

The theme of this series is “Overcoming Fear, Doubt & Worry”, which is also the theme of the presentation I will be giving on Monday evening. I thought I would hit some of the highlights here and maybe record the Monday-night presentation to share later. As you know, fear is a very normal emotion and is not a bad emotion in and of itself. What we do in response to the feeling, though, can lead to helpful or unhelpful consequences. So, when you feel fear, doubt yourself, or you are worried about how things will turn out in the future, don’t get down on yourself and try to not suppress the feelings.

The common result of doubt and worry is the feeling of fear, so we’ll focus on that.

The illustration shows the path of our thinking leading to the actions we take.

• We think a thought.
• That thought generates an image.
• Then we have a feeling reaction in response to the image.
• That all leads to us taking some sort of action.

What if we changed the original thought?

As an example, what happens if I think the thought, “I don’t have enough time to get everything done today?”  The image might be of me scurrying around frantically. It might also include other people expressing anger that I didn’t get something done that they expected. My feelings in response to that image or images would likely be fear, doubt, and worry.

The action I might take would be to rush around, possibly getting into trouble (like a car accident) trying to accomplish everything on my list of things to do. If nothing else, I would cause myself to experience an immense amount of stress. 

What if, on the other hand, my thought was “I have a lot to do today, but I’m confident that I can get the most important things done by the end of the day.” The images, the feelings, and the actions would probably be very different, right? And my stress level would be much lower, too.

Can an emotion like fear ever result in a positive outcome? Well, yes, it can. For example, if you are being pursued down the trail by a mountain lion, fear might come in handy. The fear would generate an increase in adrenaline that would help you run faster than you ever have before and yell louder for help than you ever have before.

But even in response to everyday experiences, the emotions fear, doubt, and worry give you very valuable information. They are telling you that something isn’t right, either in your thinking or in response to your environment. You can then re-evaluate the situation and decide if another action might be better.

It comes down to the thought, as described above. Examine the thought: Is it real? Is it true? Where did it come from? 

I will add to this series, but if you want to do some work on your own, consider these questions and write down your answers:

1. List 3 of your current fears.

2. Acknowledge them for what they are.

   • Where did they come from?

   • Are they real for you now?

   • Are they truly your enemy?

3. Now list one positive experience you would miss out on should you choose to let those fears control your life. For example, if you have a fear of being hurt in relationships, then you might miss out on the love that you could be receiving from others.

More on this subject next time!

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Sometimes problems arise in the process of expressing how we feel, but it is always worth it to do the work.

~ Madisyn Taylor, DailyOM

For me and for many people, open and honest communication is difficult, if not impossible. However, if we can find a strategy to make it more comfortable for ourselves and our loved ones, it can deepen and improve our relationships.

Why do we avoid being open and honest in our communication with others? Generally, it’s fear driven.

• We are afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings.
• We are afraid that we will not be understood.
• We are afraid that the other person won’t respond by offering their open and honest communication in return.
• We are afraid we will be rejected.

And there are other fears I haven’t listed here. What have you experienced?

In my early twenties, I simply refused to talk to a long-term friend who was trying to figure out what she had done wrong. I was visiting her at her home in California and was mortified to learn that she smoked marijuana all day long, every day. I felt a mixture of disappointment and concern for her, but I couldn’t find the courage to tell her my feelings, for some of the reasons mentioned above. Before long we broke off all communication, which I regret. Perhaps it was time to go our separate ways, but I never had closure with her — a sad ending to a 12-year relationship.

Communicating openly and honestly requires a willingness to be transparent. That can be scary!

In Part 3 in this series on relationships, I wrote about trust (https://authenticlifecoach.net/the-importance-of-trust-relationships-matter-part-3-in-the-series/. in Part 4, we explored respect https://authenticlifecoach.net/respect-is-essential-relationships-matter-part-4-in-the-series/. The third ingredient to having a successful relationship is open and honest communication – transparency.

Transparency literally means “being easily seen through”. In the sphere of communication, transparency is about taking actions that are easily seen. Some reasons why transparency is valuable in communicating:

• We like knowing what’s going on.
• We want honesty and respect.
• We want people to admit when they’ve made mistakes.
• We welcome the opportunity to provide feedback.

And this goes both ways. ALL communication has two sides: the sender and the receiver. Like anything else in life, change takes time and practice. The first step is to set an intention. Something like, “I am a good communicator, making sure that I am honest and clear, will admit my mistakes, and will foster trust and respect between myself and others.”

The following video features Thomas Huebl speaking about transparency in communication. Enjoy!

Without communication, there is no relationship. Without respect, there is no love. Without trust, there’s no reason to continue.”

~  ME.ME Market

Please share your thoughts on this topic.

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In Part 6 of the RELATIONSHIPS MATTER blog series, I focused the flashlight on the fact that opposites can attract in self-destructive ways. People who have narcissistic tendencies and those who tend to be people pleasers are easily drawn to one another, often with unintended and disastrous consequences.

In the last blog, I wrote specifically about the people-pleaser personality trait, the problem, and suggested antidotes. I confessed that I am a “recovering” people pleaser and gave examples of how that HASN’T worked very well in my life. Now, I want to focus on the narcissistic personality. One way to help recover from either people pleasing or being narcissistic is to understand more about both types, so I am devoting this blog to better understand the side of the coin inhabited by a narcissist. There are antidotes available to the narcissist, too, which I will highlight in this blog.

In the article Confessions of a Recovering Narcissist by Lion Goodman (https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hesaid-confessions-of-a-recovering-narcissist/), he says:

I had good relationships with great women – strong, smart, sexy females who thought I was a great guy… until I suddenly withdrew, or made plans without checking with them, or took off to chase success, or an intense experience, or another woman. As long as my needs were getting met in the relationship, I was pretty happy. But when I wasn’t, I began looking around for the next opportunity to fulfill my desires.

Being a narcissist, however, doesn’t mean you get what you want in the long run. Goodman felt bad when his relationships ended. He recognized the pattern in his relationships and the damage he was causing, and began to look inside for the answers. He read books and articles on narcissism and participated in a men’s group. He concluded that he needed to work on changing his beliefs, which came mostly from his “early programming” and his “social conditioning”.

The first step is awareness, right? I’ve been preaching that for a long time and find it’s true for everyone. Goodman freely admits that while narcissism is a term from psychology, at its essence, it is really just a fancy term for extreme selfishness. The fact that he did care about the impact he was having on other people meant there was hope. He had reached the 2nd level – acceptance or acknowledgment. In addition, he was motivated further to change once he admitted that he “wanted to learn to really love.” 

Goodman achieved the third step, which is being ready to take action. One thing we can all agree on is that change is never easy, especially when it is reinforced by a pattern of behavior and is part of a deeply held belief. The ego does a very good job of dissuading us from changing the status quo. It warns of danger from veering off the established path, even if that path is not leading us to what we want. 

Like any other personality trait, narcissism ranges over a broad spectrum of degrees, from what one might recognize as healthy self-care to the extreme form of destructive narcissism, when individuals don’t care about the impact of their selfish behavior on others.

If you or someone you love exhibits extreme narcissistic behavior, professional help is highly recommended. For more mild forms, if someone can access the three stages mentioned above – awareness, acceptance, and action– it may be easier for them to change, but it will still be a process requiring time, energy, and persistence, not to mention support from those who care about them. 

We all want to be cared for. . . In a mature relationship, each person takes full responsibility for the entire triumvirate: oneself, the other person, and the third entity: the relationship itself.

Lion Goodman, Confessions of a Recovering Narcissist, April 12, 2018

If you have narcissistic tendencies, here are a couple of Lion’s suggestions:

1. • Create a balance between self-oriented pursuits, with its opposite: care and respect for the interests and needs of the other.
2. • Learn to love as an activity you actively engage in, not a state you expect to be swept up into

If you are in a relationship with someone who shows narcissistic tendencies, here are a few ways “to win with a narcissist”, as offered by Doug Savage, https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2017/10/how-to-win-with-a-narcissist/:

• In your personal life, use “empathy prompts”: Music doesn’t soothe the savage beast, but reminding them about relationships and your feelings can.
• Use “We”: It’s just one word but it’s effective with narcissists. (If you can’t manage to do this you’re not paying attention to me. You should pay attention to me. I’m really important.)
• Reward Good Behavior: When the puppy behaves, give it a treat.
• Contrast good and bad behavior: “Normally when Jim turns in a report late you kick him down a flight of stairs. I thought it was wonderful today when you chose to throw a stapler at him instead.”
• Teach them their ABC’s: Mention your affect, their bad behavior, and the correction you’d like to see. This is an advanced Jedi move. Build to this with your Sith Lord, young Padawan.

Your thoughts, please!  Also, if you have any specfic suggestions for additional RELATIONSHIPS MATTER articles, please let me know.

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In the last blog, Opposites Attract – The Narcissist and The People-Pleaser (Part 6 in the Series RELATIONSHIP MATTERS), I warned about the challenges and potential disaster when a narcissist and a people pleaser are together in a close relationship. I promised that I would give some “real life” examples of being a people pleaser from my own experiences. Here it is, along with some potential antidotes for people pleasing, if you are interested. 

The real-life examples I share are from my own experiences. As I confessed in the last blog, I am a Recovering People Pleaser. In the interest of not boring you, I will only give a couple of examples. 

I used to try to please my teachers, resulting in my classmates’ rejection. In 4th grade, my math teacher, Mrs. Mosier, was a tall woman with steely gray hair and wire-rimmed spectacles. She was always gruff and scared us all. I decided to be extra nice to her and do whatever she said immediately.

One day in class, she changed my seat with another student in the front row. At first, I thought it was punishment, but she said, “I am putting Pam here at the front, because she is a perfect example of a good student. All of you can see her up here and learn to follow her example.” I wanted to die from embarrassment, so kept my face pointed straight ahead, knowing that the other kids were shooting bullets from their eyes towards me.

Another time, Mrs. Mosier was punishing some students and made them sit under their desks for a period of time. She asked ME to monitor them and report to her the second anyone tried to climb out from under their desk or did something they shouldn’t. I squeezed my eyes shut and made a fervent wish to disappear, knowing that I would be more hated than ever. The other students were getting punished, but it was also true that my punishment was almost worse by her making an example of me and putting me in charge. I definitely got some grief on the playground that year. The point is, I didn’t get what I wanted, which was simply to stay out of trouble.

As a people pleaser, my behavior was often determined by other people. In my twenties, a close female friend and I used to party together. She was outgoing while I was more of an introvert. I wanted to be accepted by her so she would want me around, so I often modeled my behavior after hers. That ended up getting me in trouble a few times.

One afternoon we were shooting pool together in a tavern and met two young men who asked us to meet them later that evening for a “date”. I was not very comfortable with that, but when my friend made fun of me for being so conservative, I changed my mind and agreed to go with her to meet up with them. It was a strange evening and ended up to be very bad. She had driven, so I had no car to escape the situation. All of a sudden I noticed that she (and her car) had disappeared with one of the young men. I was stuck getting a ride home with the other guy and was nearly raped.

Lesson learned: Trust your intuition and don’t agree to do something that doesn’t feel right, even if it means the other person doesn’t like you anymore. 

Unfortunately for a people pleaser, it is difficult to break the habit. It took more than one near disaster to convince me to trust myself and set limits on what I would allow to have happen to me. You can read my memoir (if I ever finish it) to learn more of the gory details!

It’s not like other people tell us or make us be people pleasers. We do it willingly and then regret it later. So, what’s a people pleaser to do?

First of all, we need to acknowledge what we are doing and, in particular, WHY we are doing it. And truthfully answer the question, “Am I actually getting what I want?” One of the problems that people pleasers face is burn out. We give and give and give but rarely get back what we want. We blame others for our own unhappiness. Believe it or not, other people will treat us better when we don’t try so hard to please them!

Kira Lynne – another recovering people pleaser – suggests these antidotes to people pleasing in an article she wrote in 2017:

1. Put yourself first (scary if you’re a people pleaser!).

2. Give to others without wanting or expecting anything in return. Truly not wanting or expecting anything.

3. Trust that your genuine friends will understand your change in behaviour. Explaining it to them can help alleviate the anxiety that comes with changing the way you do things.

4. Check in with yourself to ensure you are giving for the right reasons before you make a move.

She says that “each choice you make for you is a step towards balanced self-determinism.”  I hope that the information in this article is helpful if you suffer from this personality disorder – and it is a disorder, so take it seriously.

The friend I mentioned above once called me a sponge and a doormat, as well. Too bad I didn’t get the message at the time and tell her to “go jump!” Let me know your thoughts on this and subscribe to the monthly e-newsletter with more information, offers for help, and valuable insights.

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